Final Stretch

I was coming out of Feinberg Hall when the ninja in me was suddenly awakened. Forget about being a grad student who had just turned in a Greek exegesis paper on the finer points of remaining in Christ found in the 15th chapter of the Gospel of John, I just had to jump the 6 foot wall and climb up the hill to my freedom, or the sidewalk. A shortcut, no doubt, but quite a dangerous and unnecessary one at that. And before I knew it I was already on the wall. I decided to use the momentum to run up the hill, ignoring the red flags in my mind warning me of what happens to mud after rain. After all, I was equipped with level 5 feather legs. I took two quick steps up the steep hill when my feet slipped under me like I was on a treadmill on max speed. I instinctively grabbed on to the ledge on my left and tried to pull myself up, but it was too late. My feet flailed under me at least 7 times in less than a second as if I had come straight out of Compton a cartoon. I might as well have yelled out "meep meep!" or something. The dramatic battle ended with me on all fours on the side of a hill underneath Calvary chapel with thick, gooey, wet mud all over my hands, sweater, and shoes. The first thing I did was to look around to see if anyone else saw my awesome ninja moves, and to prepare myself to look like I was "researching" the various mud patterns left by the recent, uh, cloudbursts... in the sky. At that point my tainted pride mattered more than my painted hands. In defeat, I jumped down the wall and swiftly made my way to the nearest restroom, and luckily, or unfortunately, no one asked about my muddy hands and the big trail of mud I left behind. I ended up spending a good 10 minutes just cleaning myself up in the restroom.

And that, my friends, is a pretty accurate picture of my finals week.

Nevertheless, I decided to reward myself for completing one of my toughest semesters ever by checking out the Lord of the Rings trilogy from the library. Just a bit of light reading for the holidays.

Too bad I have 3 more finals to go.

aiyaaaaa!

Going

Woke up today to clattering windows. Even the wind grows restless at my prolonged slumber. Maybe it's because I indulged myself last night to taste and see, or see then taste, the candies I undeservedly amassed on Monday. But then, how can you say no to mini-Crunch bars? You can't, unless you are about to go to sleep... but I did anyway. I'm a rebel like that. I eat the candies and go to sleep right away. I also eat the foods and go swimming right away. Take that, mother! But of course I would forget to cover up my wrapper trail, and I vaguely remember mom waking me up in the middle of the night and making me brush my teeth. I think the battle lasted a good 10 minutes, but in the end I ran out of bed sheets to hide under, and resistance was futile.

As I lay there on my bed, thinking of my busy day ahead, I realize my life is a running contradiction. I am constantly restless, but I get plenty of rest. I am passionate, but I am also apathetic about the same things. I have plenty, but I desire more. I never remember songs, but I am always singing. I am always learning, but I am not learned. I am always growing, but I am already a grown-up. I am never satisfied (in my circumstances), but I am satisfied (in Christ). I am full, but I am still hungry. I don't want much, but I want much more. I am in need, but I don't need anything. I am a bottomless cup that is overflowing. I am a flying fish or a swimming bird. I don't belong, but I am always belonging. I am already, but not yet.

My passion and my views remain the same, but I guess now my channels are changing. A part of me says, "Relax, God loves you" but another part of me says, "I know. That's why there must be more." The result of this clash is a long list of 'could-haves' and 'should-haves' and barely any 'been-there-done-thats'. I cannot say for certain if it is merely a contradiction or a lack of conviction. Both are troublesome and undesirable, but one thing is for certain, as the great theologian Yoda once said, "Do or do not. There is no try."

It's the end of the day now. I went to school to learn about God and His Word, not to mention in the original languages. I went to church to learn about God and His Word and to fellowship with brothers and sisters. But these questions still remain: What did I do today that required complete, total faith in Jesus? Have I become more like Christ today than yesterday? Am I loving God more and walking closer with Him as a result of whatever may have happened today?

In any case, I'm eating another mini-Crunch bar. Not to worry though, I'll make sure to brush my teeth tonight. Tomorrow, well, tomorrow is tomorrow. For now, I'm just learning to be faithful in the small things.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.
Proverbs 16:9

Not Punny

So I was in the lounge at school and a girl walks over to where a bunch of guys are sitting. Then I overheard a conversation that went something like this:

Girl: Hey, your name was... Mark right?
Guy: ReMARKable, you got it right!
Girl: Hahaha!
Guy: You seem like you get good MARKS in class.
Girl: Hahah
(the room grows more silent as he continues)
Guy: Well you should MARK that on your calendar.
Girl: Hahah
Guy: With a MARKer.
Girl: Haha
Guy: MARK my words.
Girl: Hah
Guy: They will put that in hallMARKS.
Girl: Ha...
Guy: Or on a bookMARK.
Girl: H...
Guy: And you can buy it at the MARKet.
(by this point, the room is completely, absolutely silent)
Girl: This is gonna go on for a while huh.
Guy: Ok, I'll stop now. I'll make no more reMARKS.
(the most awkwardest silence ever known to mankind permeates the room, choking everyone to despair)
Girl: ooookaaaay... soooo.... yeaaaa.....

That's when I learned a very important lesson in life:
I will never name my son Mark.

Limits

It's time
And the time is now

Bright lights
Stage fright
Ready to show the world my first flight

Fall asleep
Sow and reap
Crash and burn into the deep

Deeper still

Deeper 'til

I hit rock bottom and I've lost my will

Introspect

Self-reflect

Look beyond myself to reality check

Readjust the frame

Reclaim the Name

Look up now and I'm unashamed

Get ready

Get steady

Get to my destination already

Climbing higher 

Frequent flier

Breakthrough the limits and catch the fire

Wind breaker
Earth shaker
All the elements say it's now or never

It's time again
And the time is now

Trailer

I had a dream that I was having sushi with some good company and I said, "This must be a dream."

Then I woke up.

Level 2

I found myself at the front desk paying the bill which came out to be $3000. Yea. I'm high roller like that.

... but I couldn't pay because I only had $1000.

And IN my dream I thought to myself, "Please let this be a dream."

Then I woke up again.

Level 3

I was suddenly at an ATM machine and as I was taking money out my card got stuck and the machine broke. "No way, this has to be a dream."

Then I woke up.

"wow"

Limbo

[theme music plays in the background]

RECESSION

A film by john yeo

Robots

squeeeeeeel!

Going

I'm living life in transit, a sojourner with a stake in the ground. Next move is unknown, but the next move must be made somehow. Whether it's go or stay, it's never stay for a long time. Fleeting and temporary. Such is life. That is, life on earth. A good reminder that there is an eternity ahead of us. No, eternity has already begun. It only makes sense to invest in and sow into whatever makes an impact in eternity, the things that last forever.

This year is the year of the octopus. I got my feet stuck in too many things. Naturally, it looks quite ridiculous to serve in more than 3 different ministries plus full time school and TA. Yes, this is boasting in myself, more specifically, boasting in my lack of discernment and self control. They all began with an innocent open door of opportunity, but now I can't even concentrate fully on a single one. Ironically, in my attempt to overcome the fear of being "stuck" and making no true impact in my life, I stuck my feet in too many things and now the impact is too thin, too shallow, and too short to satisfy this hungry soul. Jack of all trades, but master of none. Or so it seems.

At the end of the day, there is only one thing that keeps me going: calling. People can play devil's advocate all they want or perhaps even genuinely doubt the call in my life, but that's like trying to convince me that the sun will not rise in the morning. If this sounds like I'm in denial, you are right, I am. I am in denial of mediocre mentality, lukewarm living, and compromised Christianity. My goal is not to be heard or seen or recognized; rather, my goal is to live. Really live. Truly live. To the full potential of what God has for me. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. I will do anything and everything to find out what this looks like in my life even if it takes a lifetime. I only live because He lives. Though I may lose sight of it at times, His calling - knowing that He wants to use someone as inadequate, incompetent, and undeserving like me - is what always brings me back to cling on to a Life with Purpose.

Simply put, when I look to the cross of Jesus Christ my King, I want to live and die by it, not merely sit and be moved by it.

Folding up my tents and folding up my legs. It's the year of the fish.