Found

Lost.

That grit your teeth, gut wrenching, growling into roaring, fist slamming into hardwood floor kind of feeling. And soon after, that stare off into space, sitting in a corner, slow, heavy, audible sighing of all the unused oxygen stored away in the secret crevices of my lung. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Wasted potential. Regret.

It's that feeling of losing. It hurts because you had the power to change the outcome. More preparation. More training. Run harder. Run faster. "If only I..."

The level of disappointment to any loss is directly proportional to the amount I have invested my heart into winning. Some would call it an idol. Others would call it fierce competition. But beyond the competition is the raw essence of motivation. What's the purpose? And will I still strive for that purpose even when there's no one around?

The real question is do I feel the same way in the harvest field? When I miss or "lose" someone as a worker do I sit back and simply remind myself that at least the harvest is plentiful? Or do I say to myself with the same intensity of regret, "If only I..." and jump right back into the field? Tossing and turning in bed. Every cell in my body crying out for a brother. Desperately interceding on behalf of a sister. Pleading for the prodigals. Crying for lost. Asking, seeking, knocking.

That tear is stored away somewhere in my eye. That prayer is tucked away somewhere in my lungs. That love is buried away somewhere in my heart. They all remember. I remember.

Lost but found.

Lost but found in him.

And all this from just one game of basketball.

Eat

It's that feeling again. Heartquake. No hearts in the eyes, but bloodshot eyes from tireless nights. No butterflies in the stomach, but growling stomachs from involuntary fasting.

I still remember my first American meal - a Bic Mac combo. My uncle eased me into this strange meal by relating each item with Korean food. The burger was the rice, the french fries were the "banchan"(side dish), and the drink was the soup. Yeah, not sure if that all adds up, but nevertheless that got me hooked on what would become many years of addiction to illegal drugs in the form of happy meals. Then I upgraded to 39 cent cheeseburgers, Wednesday McNuggets, Friday fish filets, the dollar menu, and Monopoly stickers.

There was a week in college when I was so busy that I would have to skip meals or eat way later. Lunch at 6pm. Dinner at 1am. Self-imposed jet-lag. I remember wondering why I couldn't just eat 10 meals in one sitting and have it last for the next 3 days or so. Unfortunately (or fortunately) our bodies aren't built that way. Physically, biologically, it's what it is yo.

Daily Bread. Daily grind.

"And when the hills were caving in and the enemy was upon us
He made a way in the desert and brought us to the oasis."
- Someone I. Forgot

When I get to heaven the 4th question I'm asking God is if I can get a quick taste of that rain manna. And that quail. Deep-fried.

Speak

The sun comes up

The sun goes down

He speaks loud and clear

But we don't hear a sound

One day comes

Another day goes

He whispers His love

But our hearts are closed

Good night now

Good morning later

He points to His Word

But we ask for a translator

We start with Dear God

We end with Amen

Now it's His turn

But we only pretend

That He speaks

That He sings

That He dances over us

That His grace

That His love

That His blood covers us

That He waits

That He waits

That He always waits for us

That He's waiting

That He's waiting

That He's waiting for us now

1 Samuel 3:10

Preach

Last semester I preached sermons in class. All I could concentrate on was the time ticking down in the back. Tick. Tock. Sounds the same. Feels different. Everybody sounds the same. Biblical. Outlined. Structured. Fifteen minutes. Metaphors. All check. But not quite the same.

And that same beat pumps again. There must be more.

What makes a great sermon? A powerful, impactful sermon? When God's Word is preached and people are not only convinced, but when they are cut to the heart and convicted. When the words aren't taken as useless chaff in the wind but rather seed for good soil. When it gets people out of their seats and the words translate into action.

What was last week's sermon about? And what did it cause us to say or do. Sometimes we jump to the next small group, the next resurgence article, the next Keller sermon, the next devotional, and all the way back to next Sunday's sermon again before we even have time to apply the Word in our lives. Is this the only reason why "quiet times" were made? To somehow keep us sputtering through desert until the next oasis? It's a motor cycle.

After sermons after sermons from preachers after preachers at conferences and churches, and after hearing speakers after speakers and retreats after retreats and revivals after revivals, anyone with a keen eye, great ears, smooth tongue can preach a powerful sermon. Any man or woman of great rhetoric can make people laugh and cry. Anyone can pump up a hungry crowd. Anyone can stitch together quotes and notes with various pieces of testimonies and personal anecdotes.

I am no expert, but even a kid, specifically a preacher's kid, can tell the difference. Home. Church. Life on the inside. Life on the outside. How thick is that line, that screen, that curtain, that wall? That whitewashed wall.

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”

Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend. You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.

In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

James 2:14-26

Don't believe the hype. See through the light. Don't fall for the big-eyed, arm-flailing, hand-clapping, Bible-thumping types. The volume of their voice has nothing to do with the passion in their daily choice to deny themselves truly and pick up the cross daily.

Retreat Forward

Yes, I was nervous.

I scrolled through the sermon notes on my phone. Worship. Scroll. Sing. Scroll. Pray. Scroll. Click. Off. I had come full circle. I had become that guy. That guy I looked up to in my youth with wide-eyes and fascination, hanging on to every word from his mouth - that crazy guy up there shouting about Jesus, baptizing the youth in the name of the spit, saliva, and sweat. That guy. These are the moments I can physically feel the end of my limits and the only way forward is to fall forward. The rest is trusting in God to do the rest.

I was incredibly blessed by the ministry at Inland. I saw how important the leaders' roles are in setting both a spiritual tone and gravity in the ministry. I also realized how much more work there is to be done in building up a group of wild jr. high students. There's a WHOLE WORLD out there. I am definitely inspired and excited to bring what I learned back home. I learned and received much more from them than I gave. All I can say is, "Thank you." Seriously, so blessed.

Fresh fire. Fresh breath. Fresh eyes. Fresh new chapter.

So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.
1 Corinthians 9:26-27

Take Heart Take Heed

I've been on an escalator ever since I arrived here. Or was it a conveyor belt. Things. Just. Run. I knew the honeymoon was over the moment I stepped up on the mound and the batter had no bat, the catcher had no glove, and the umpire was reading the rule book. That's when I realized I'm just another cog in the machine. Replaceable. I would be foolish to think that I am somehow indispensable to the advancement of God's kingdom. But at the same time that gives me hope and assurance that I cannot possibly mess up His story. I am simply called to be faithful to His calling.

And yet, on the ground, in the front lines there are so many commands. So much to do. So much being done, but it's hard to determine if we're moving forward or not. As the foreign missionary once said, "It's amazing how your churches in America grow and flourish without the Spirit of God." Just ask, "When is the last time I was challenged and convicted to repent AND actually changed my behavior because of it?" We are called to recognize them by their fruit, but we simply buy their fruits.

In the midst of great holiness there is a thick, heavy mist of sin. Cloudy senses. Dividing walls. Broken relationships. The consequences are real. When the soul feels its flesh and when the flesh feels its chains. This is the heaviness of the world that those not of this world will inevitably feel and experience. This is the disconnect that the kids witness when their church says forgive but their parents say divorce. This is the confusion the students must deal with when they believe God is love and their gay friends claim love. This is the unsettling middle ground when they learn the world will hate them just as it hated their Master, but called to love them just as the Master did. This is the cosmic conflict, the weight of glory bearing down on the strongholds of this world, the same world that Jesus says, "You will have trouble."

Escalator. Going down. Conveyor belt. Moving on. Things. Just. Run. The world. Your career. Your school. Your life. Without intentional thought and action, life simply goes on. Enjoy it. Carpe diem. Your life is but a drop in the ocean. You just move with the flow. Pass the laws. Let it be. Comfortable. Don't fight back. Don't stand out. It's just what it is. It's only a sip. It's only a peek. I said my prayers. When's the next retreat. Missions. Lock in. Forget about the world. Too much trouble. The way it is. Marriage. Divorce. Majority rules. Money on my mind. The way it's always been done. Church. Here's my family. Raise them up. Go on. Move on. Retire. Purpose. Passion. Never mind. Everybody else is lukewarm. Inevitable. No point. Don't engage. Let it happen. Just love.

...

Then, a frown. A faint whisper. Shaking your head. Looking up. Standing up. Closing your eyes. Inhale. Pause. Long exhale. Open. There must be more.

You see, the ones who are uneasy, uncomfortable, unsettled, and unsatisfied after hearing the listless, apathetic thought process of this world are the ones who listened to His voice until the end. For He did not merely step back and indifferently report that "in this world you will have trouble," but He reaches into our lives, breaks off the yoke of this world, tears off the veil of sin stitched over our hearts, extends His merciful hands and says, "But TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world."

Listen to the end and take heed. Life and death is decided by a punctuation mark.

It's time for me to "wake up and pay attention."

Once again.

Journey

Life is full of adventure only if you are willing to get lost once in awhile. If you have full control of a roller coaster ride then it's no fun at all because there is amusement and intrigue in the unknown. Adventure is innately spontaneous and therein lies its appeal to the average Indiana John Doe, the part-time backyard archaeologist. The Robinson Crusoes and the Peter Pans of our culture are highly idolized as those who take risks and have fun while doing so. The masses long for the kind of adventure that takes them beyond their limited scope while making sure their scope stays limited once they return. That's when they realize that a simple adventure does not satisfy. They need a journey.

Life is in fact not full, but only sparsely sprinkled with adventure while the entirety of life is a journey. Once you are back from an adventure, you remain the same. You may have pictures to prove where you've been and what you've done, souvenirs to remind you of the good times you had, but once you're back in the comforts of home, nothing has changed and it's life as you know it. On the other hand, a journey changes who you are - your character and identity. You cannot ever be the same again or go back to the old ways of life because what you've experienced on the journey has profoundly impacted your will, your thoughts, and emotions. The paradigm shift no matter how slight becomes the constant tick-tock of a life that's maturing and moving forward in the renewing of the mind. Without it, a life withers and dries and lacks the nourishment of an abundant life. Like growing without growing pains. If an adventure is an unknown roller coaster, a journey is a free fall from space - you don't know where you will land or if you will even survive. Now it may sound like I'm splitting hairs to compare an adventure and a journey, but if you had only one piece of hair, you would use Rogaine then it's quite an important hair to split. Two people can experience the same waterfall, but for one it becomes a light adventure and for another it becomes an epic journey. The main difference is not particularly where or what kind of experience one had (though it plays a significant role), but rather, it's what happens on the inside that changes an adventure into a journey. Perspective. To be more specific, perspective on the cost of the journey. Sacrifice.

A church member at Redeemer was once inspired by Tim Keller's apparent passion for the Lord of the Rings and decided to give it a try. He researched and found that The Hobbit was a prequel to the LOTR trilogy so he began with that one. The Hobbit (which, interestingly enough, has the original subtitle of "There and Back Again") is about Bilbo Baggins, who is the uncle of Frodo Baggins, the main protagonist of the LOTR trilogy. Well, after reading The Hobbit this member didn't find the book interesting, only amusing and even considered putting a halt to his LOTR excursion. Perhaps he didn't see it as epic as Keller did, but in any case he brought this up to Keller. That's when Keller explained that one has to first read the trilogy before the prequel and clarified the difference between the two.

The Hobbit is an adventure. Bilbo Baggins travels outside of his hometown and goes through many death-defying experiences, but once he's back even with the souvenirs of treasures and of course the ring, it's back to the usual life in the Shire (although he finds out he has some broken relationships due to his extended leave). However, the LOTR is a journey. Frodo travels through great lengths to destroy the ring, but once the mission is accomplished, it's not the usual happily ever after. "Frodo cannot escape the pain of his wounds, having been stabbed by the Witch-king and poisoned by Shelob." He does not remain at home but departs for the Undying Lands away from the Shire. He will never be the same again. His life will never be "normal" again. The journey has radically changed him from the inside out.

Perspective. Sacrifice. The proof of our encounter with Jesus is a radically changed life - a new creation - not the old life plus Jesus, but the life of Christ invading and permeating our lives from the inside out through a living, loving Counselor taking up residence in us. We can sit around all day and challenge our brothers and sisters, "Are you seeing from God's perspective or yours?" and "What is it costing you to follow Jesus?" But to the average Christian, it's just that, a challenge. It may become another exciting and even passionate adventure with Jesus, but after the spiritual high and the last night of retreat is over, it's right back to the old ways of life. With our lips we pray, "Lead us up the mountain" while our hearts demand, "just as long as we don't have to climb."

An adventure with Jesus might leave you satisfied with temporary treasures and a ring, but a journey with Jesus gives you an everlasting life of love and joy after the "I do." The beauty of our relationship with Jesus is when we don't even realize we are picking up the cross and following after him. It's when we are zealously captivated and enamored by His love for us. So we keep on pressing on, getting back up and keep on running not paying attention to what might happen to us. Wounds, pains, heartache, sickness, hardship, turmoil, storms, confusion, homelessness, persecution, and death means NOTHING when we realize that Jesus is EVERYTHING. And in this journey of loving Jesus more and more, we may have scars that may never heal on this side of heaven, but the moment we see Jesus face to face and see all His scars He took on for us we'll be able to say as we fall into His gentle, loving embrace, "It was all worth it."

You are so worthy Jesus. You are so worth it.