Woke up today to clattering windows. Even the wind grows restless at my prolonged slumber. Maybe it's because I indulged myself last night to taste and see, or see then taste, the candies I undeservedly amassed on Monday. But then, how can you say no to mini-Crunch bars? You can't, unless you are about to go to sleep... but I did anyway. I'm a rebel like that. I eat the candies and go to sleep right away. I also eat the foods and go swimming right away. Take that, mother! But of course I would forget to cover up my wrapper trail, and I vaguely remember mom waking me up in the middle of the night and making me brush my teeth. I think the battle lasted a good 10 minutes, but in the end I ran out of bed sheets to hide under, and resistance was futile.
As I lay there on my bed, thinking of my busy day ahead, I realize my life is a running contradiction. I am constantly restless, but I get plenty of rest. I am passionate, but I am also apathetic about the same things. I have plenty, but I desire more. I never remember songs, but I am always singing. I am always learning, but I am not learned. I am always growing, but I am already a grown-up. I am never satisfied (in my circumstances), but I am satisfied (in Christ). I am full, but I am still hungry. I don't want much, but I want much more. I am in need, but I don't need anything. I am a bottomless cup that is overflowing. I am a flying fish or a swimming bird. I don't belong, but I am always belonging. I am already, but not yet.
My passion and my views remain the same, but I guess now my channels are changing. A part of me says, "Relax, God loves you" but another part of me says, "I know. That's why there must be more." The result of this clash is a long list of 'could-haves' and 'should-haves' and barely any 'been-there-done-thats'. I cannot say for certain if it is merely a contradiction or a lack of conviction. Both are troublesome and undesirable, but one thing is for certain, as the great theologian Yoda once said, "Do or do not. There is no try."
It's the end of the day now. I went to school to learn about God and His Word, not to mention in the original languages. I went to church to learn about God and His Word and to fellowship with brothers and sisters. But these questions still remain: What did I do today that required complete, total faith in Jesus? Have I become more like Christ today than yesterday? Am I loving God more and walking closer with Him as a result of whatever may have happened today?
In any case, I'm eating another mini-Crunch bar. Not to worry though, I'll make sure to brush my teeth tonight. Tomorrow, well, tomorrow is tomorrow. For now, I'm just learning to be faithful in the small things.
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.
Proverbs 16:9
