Retreat Forward

Yes, I was nervous.

I scrolled through the sermon notes on my phone. Worship. Scroll. Sing. Scroll. Pray. Scroll. Click. Off. I had come full circle. I had become that guy. That guy I looked up to in my youth with wide-eyes and fascination, hanging on to every word from his mouth - that crazy guy up there shouting about Jesus, baptizing the youth in the name of the spit, saliva, and sweat. That guy. These are the moments I can physically feel the end of my limits and the only way forward is to fall forward. The rest is trusting in God to do the rest.

I was incredibly blessed by the ministry at Inland. I saw how important the leaders' roles are in setting both a spiritual tone and gravity in the ministry. I also realized how much more work there is to be done in building up a group of wild jr. high students. There's a WHOLE WORLD out there. I am definitely inspired and excited to bring what I learned back home. I learned and received much more from them than I gave. All I can say is, "Thank you." Seriously, so blessed.

Fresh fire. Fresh breath. Fresh eyes. Fresh new chapter.

So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.
1 Corinthians 9:26-27

Take Heart Take Heed

I've been on an escalator ever since I arrived here. Or was it a conveyor belt. Things. Just. Run. I knew the honeymoon was over the moment I stepped up on the mound and the batter had no bat, the catcher had no glove, and the umpire was reading the rule book. That's when I realized I'm just another cog in the machine. Replaceable. I would be foolish to think that I am somehow indispensable to the advancement of God's kingdom. But at the same time that gives me hope and assurance that I cannot possibly mess up His story. I am simply called to be faithful to His calling.

And yet, on the ground, in the front lines there are so many commands. So much to do. So much being done, but it's hard to determine if we're moving forward or not. As the foreign missionary once said, "It's amazing how your churches in America grow and flourish without the Spirit of God." Just ask, "When is the last time I was challenged and convicted to repent AND actually changed my behavior because of it?" We are called to recognize them by their fruit, but we simply buy their fruits.

In the midst of great holiness there is a thick, heavy mist of sin. Cloudy senses. Dividing walls. Broken relationships. The consequences are real. When the soul feels its flesh and when the flesh feels its chains. This is the heaviness of the world that those not of this world will inevitably feel and experience. This is the disconnect that the kids witness when their church says forgive but their parents say divorce. This is the confusion the students must deal with when they believe God is love and their gay friends claim love. This is the unsettling middle ground when they learn the world will hate them just as it hated their Master, but called to love them just as the Master did. This is the cosmic conflict, the weight of glory bearing down on the strongholds of this world, the same world that Jesus says, "You will have trouble."

Escalator. Going down. Conveyor belt. Moving on. Things. Just. Run. The world. Your career. Your school. Your life. Without intentional thought and action, life simply goes on. Enjoy it. Carpe diem. Your life is but a drop in the ocean. You just move with the flow. Pass the laws. Let it be. Comfortable. Don't fight back. Don't stand out. It's just what it is. It's only a sip. It's only a peek. I said my prayers. When's the next retreat. Missions. Lock in. Forget about the world. Too much trouble. The way it is. Marriage. Divorce. Majority rules. Money on my mind. The way it's always been done. Church. Here's my family. Raise them up. Go on. Move on. Retire. Purpose. Passion. Never mind. Everybody else is lukewarm. Inevitable. No point. Don't engage. Let it happen. Just love.

...

Then, a frown. A faint whisper. Shaking your head. Looking up. Standing up. Closing your eyes. Inhale. Pause. Long exhale. Open. There must be more.

You see, the ones who are uneasy, uncomfortable, unsettled, and unsatisfied after hearing the listless, apathetic thought process of this world are the ones who listened to His voice until the end. For He did not merely step back and indifferently report that "in this world you will have trouble," but He reaches into our lives, breaks off the yoke of this world, tears off the veil of sin stitched over our hearts, extends His merciful hands and says, "But TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world."

Listen to the end and take heed. Life and death is decided by a punctuation mark.

It's time for me to "wake up and pay attention."

Once again.