Found

Lost.

That grit your teeth, gut wrenching, growling into roaring, fist slamming into hardwood floor kind of feeling. And soon after, that stare off into space, sitting in a corner, slow, heavy, audible sighing of all the unused oxygen stored away in the secret crevices of my lung. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Wasted potential. Regret.

It's that feeling of losing. It hurts because you had the power to change the outcome. More preparation. More training. Run harder. Run faster. "If only I..."

The level of disappointment to any loss is directly proportional to the amount I have invested my heart into winning. Some would call it an idol. Others would call it fierce competition. But beyond the competition is the raw essence of motivation. What's the purpose? And will I still strive for that purpose even when there's no one around?

The real question is do I feel the same way in the harvest field? When I miss or "lose" someone as a worker do I sit back and simply remind myself that at least the harvest is plentiful? Or do I say to myself with the same intensity of regret, "If only I..." and jump right back into the field? Tossing and turning in bed. Every cell in my body crying out for a brother. Desperately interceding on behalf of a sister. Pleading for the prodigals. Crying for lost. Asking, seeking, knocking.

That tear is stored away somewhere in my eye. That prayer is tucked away somewhere in my lungs. That love is buried away somewhere in my heart. They all remember. I remember.

Lost but found.

Lost but found in him.

And all this from just one game of basketball.

Eat

It's that feeling again. Heartquake. No hearts in the eyes, but bloodshot eyes from tireless nights. No butterflies in the stomach, but growling stomachs from involuntary fasting.

I still remember my first American meal - a Bic Mac combo. My uncle eased me into this strange meal by relating each item with Korean food. The burger was the rice, the french fries were the "banchan"(side dish), and the drink was the soup. Yeah, not sure if that all adds up, but nevertheless that got me hooked on what would become many years of addiction to illegal drugs in the form of happy meals. Then I upgraded to 39 cent cheeseburgers, Wednesday McNuggets, Friday fish filets, the dollar menu, and Monopoly stickers.

There was a week in college when I was so busy that I would have to skip meals or eat way later. Lunch at 6pm. Dinner at 1am. Self-imposed jet-lag. I remember wondering why I couldn't just eat 10 meals in one sitting and have it last for the next 3 days or so. Unfortunately (or fortunately) our bodies aren't built that way. Physically, biologically, it's what it is yo.

Daily Bread. Daily grind.

"And when the hills were caving in and the enemy was upon us
He made a way in the desert and brought us to the oasis."
- Someone I. Forgot

When I get to heaven the 4th question I'm asking God is if I can get a quick taste of that rain manna. And that quail. Deep-fried.

Speak

The sun comes up

The sun goes down

He speaks loud and clear

But we don't hear a sound

One day comes

Another day goes

He whispers His love

But our hearts are closed

Good night now

Good morning later

He points to His Word

But we ask for a translator

We start with Dear God

We end with Amen

Now it's His turn

But we only pretend

That He speaks

That He sings

That He dances over us

That His grace

That His love

That His blood covers us

That He waits

That He waits

That He always waits for us

That He's waiting

That He's waiting

That He's waiting for us now

1 Samuel 3:10

Preach

Last semester I preached sermons in class. All I could concentrate on was the time ticking down in the back. Tick. Tock. Sounds the same. Feels different. Everybody sounds the same. Biblical. Outlined. Structured. Fifteen minutes. Metaphors. All check. But not quite the same.

And that same beat pumps again. There must be more.

What makes a great sermon? A powerful, impactful sermon? When God's Word is preached and people are not only convinced, but when they are cut to the heart and convicted. When the words aren't taken as useless chaff in the wind but rather seed for good soil. When it gets people out of their seats and the words translate into action.

What was last week's sermon about? And what did it cause us to say or do. Sometimes we jump to the next small group, the next resurgence article, the next Keller sermon, the next devotional, and all the way back to next Sunday's sermon again before we even have time to apply the Word in our lives. Is this the only reason why "quiet times" were made? To somehow keep us sputtering through desert until the next oasis? It's a motor cycle.

After sermons after sermons from preachers after preachers at conferences and churches, and after hearing speakers after speakers and retreats after retreats and revivals after revivals, anyone with a keen eye, great ears, smooth tongue can preach a powerful sermon. Any man or woman of great rhetoric can make people laugh and cry. Anyone can pump up a hungry crowd. Anyone can stitch together quotes and notes with various pieces of testimonies and personal anecdotes.

I am no expert, but even a kid, specifically a preacher's kid, can tell the difference. Home. Church. Life on the inside. Life on the outside. How thick is that line, that screen, that curtain, that wall? That whitewashed wall.

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”

Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend. You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.

In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

James 2:14-26

Don't believe the hype. See through the light. Don't fall for the big-eyed, arm-flailing, hand-clapping, Bible-thumping types. The volume of their voice has nothing to do with the passion in their daily choice to deny themselves truly and pick up the cross daily.