As I was walking past the VIP door on my way back to the dorms I saw him being escorted down the hall. My heart skipped two beats. I gasped. I waited. The moment he stepped out, I split his two escorts and reached out my hand saying, "Pastor John! Thank you, I needed that message." He shook my hand, smiled, and then he was gone. I turned back towards the dorms with one piercing thought in mind: holy ambition.
They say that the longest distance in the universe is from the head to the heart. We say we know in whole but behave like we only know in part. Vague like abstract art. We are all bobbleheads living in a world of walking deads. We know so much but we never get ahead. So much to do and so little commitment.
We try to separate revelation from salvation with the injection of the poison of false hope and human determination. "How much do you want it?" Wrong question. "What's the point?" Pay no attention because by our own definition, picking up the cross and sharing in Christ's affliction means that by the sweat of our own brow we will build our heavenly mansion. It's a combination of worldly passion and selfish ambition whitewashed with a thick layer of pious conviction.
Look around and see the myriad of laws surrounding us under the guise of dealing with the flaws pertaining to us. The same ones we've built up in the name of loving Jesus. We call it the house of prayer but really it's become a house of mirrors with no way to correct our own errors. There must be a hand somewhere to wipe the dirt. Blood to wash the sin-stained shirt. And yet, we're still caught up in the activities of yesteryear except maybe this time around we add one more day of prayer and replace the pews with detachable chairs. Traditionally modern. Newly ancient. Old is not better. New is not newer. Do's and dont's like we're machines during lent. Lots of Movements but no improvement.
So it seems we hit the snooze button as much as we hit up our old "friends." It's obviously easier to stop when you reach a dead end. Then the familiar becomes comfortable, the comfortable becomes lovable, and the lovable becomes impossible to forsake and repent. And even in the moments of clarity, the cold winds of change and the premature fears of the brain convince us otherwise, to stay warm inside, to stay there and hide, to stay where you're filled with lies, least alive, passion dies, until we realize we will never arrive no matter how hard we try. It's the classic case of a seed sown among thorns. Choked up yet never fully mourned because when it comes time to choose "whom you will serve" we're rarely torn. Perhaps we've lost sight of our born-again identity; spiritual amnesia a la Jason Bourne.
When everything is not what it seems and seems to be out of order, it's not enough to simply redefine words and redraw the borders, especially when the preacher's got a chip on his shoulder. It's not enough to flex every spiritual muscle just to raise a hand in a place full of grace instead of using the same energy to give a hand to those who really need grace. It's not enough. It'll never be enough even if we're actually determined to run this race based on faith. We might as well huff and puff. Transform ourselves, built Ford tough. Fight off all crime and sin like we're Scruff McGruff. But how quickly we forget that His grace is sufficient and that He is more than enough.
And we're back in the house of mirrors. Only this time around I'm on my knees in desperate prayer. I've seen enough of me and my will. I need these shiny walls to shatter to see the blood of Christ that covers me. No more building, it's time to start breaking. It's time to be broken. There is absolutely nothing I have done to come to this point in this journey of knowing and loving Christ more. Dead men can't choose life, let alone choose to obey Christ to somehow obtain everlasting life. Any sign of life in me is Christ in me. Any sign of obedience is the Spirit in me. Any love reflects the Father who loves me. We begin by grace and so we end by grace. My disgrace covered by His grace to be exact. I used to be on fire for Jesus and ready to do His will, but grace amazing found me and led me to the Good News of Jesus Christ, how He did it already and said, "It is finished." Now I'm enjoying HIS passion and all consuming fire and HIS will is being done in me. HE is that link from the head to the heart, not my own efforts or hours of meditation. HE is that piece that completes the picture, not my own skills or hours of perfection. In other words, less of me and more of Jesus. In other words, I become nothing and Jesus becomes everything.
I was coming out of Feinberg Hall when the ninja in me was suddenly awakened. Forget about being a grad student who had just turned in a Greek exegesis paper on the finer points of remaining in Christ found in the 15th chapter of the Gospel of John, I just had to jump the 6 foot wall and climb up the hill to my freedom, or the sidewalk. A shortcut, no doubt, but quite a dangerous and unnecessary one at that. And before I knew it I was already on the wall. I decided to use the momentum to run up the hill, ignoring the red flags in my mind warning me of what happens to mud after rain. After all, I was equipped with level 5 feather legs. I took two quick steps up the steep hill when my feet slipped under me like I was on a treadmill on max speed. I instinctively grabbed on to the ledge on my left and tried to pull myself up, but it was too late. My feet flailed under me at least 7 times in less than a second as if I had come straight out of Compton a cartoon. I might as well have yelled out "meep meep!" or something. The dramatic battle ended with me on all fours on the side of a hill underneath Calvary chapel with thick, gooey, wet mud all over my hands, sweater, and shoes. The first thing I did was to look around to see if anyone else saw my awesome ninja moves, and to prepare myself to look like I was "researching" the various mud patterns left by the recent, uh, cloudbursts... in the sky. At that point my tainted pride mattered more than my painted hands. In defeat, I jumped down the wall and swiftly made my way to the nearest restroom, and luckily, or unfortunately, no one asked about my muddy hands and the big trail of mud I left behind. I ended up spending a good 10 minutes just cleaning myself up in the restroom.
And that, my friends, is a pretty accurate picture of my finals week.
Nevertheless, I decided to reward myself for completing one of my toughest semesters ever by checking out the Lord of the Rings trilogy from the library. Just a bit of light reading for the holidays.
Woke up today to clattering windows. Even the wind grows restless at my prolonged slumber. Maybe it's because I indulged myself last night to taste and see, or see then taste, the candies I undeservedly amassed on Monday. But then, how can you say no to mini-Crunch bars? You can't, unless you are about to go to sleep... but I did anyway. I'm a rebel like that. I eat the candies and go to sleep right away. I also eat the foods and go swimming right away. Take that, mother! But of course I would forget to cover up my wrapper trail, and I vaguely remember mom waking me up in the middle of the night and making me brush my teeth. I think the battle lasted a good 10 minutes, but in the end I ran out of bed sheets to hide under, and resistance was futile.
As I lay there on my bed, thinking of my busy day ahead, I realize my life is a running contradiction. I am constantly restless, but I get plenty of rest. I am passionate, but I am also apathetic about the same things. I have plenty, but I desire more. I never remember songs, but I am always singing. I am always learning, but I am not learned. I am always growing, but I am already a grown-up. I am never satisfied (in my circumstances), but I am satisfied (in Christ). I am full, but I am still hungry. I don't want much, but I want much more. I am in need, but I don't need anything. I am a bottomless cup that is overflowing. I am a flying fish or a swimming bird. I don't belong, but I am always belonging. I am already, but not yet.
My passion and my views remain the same, but I guess now my channels are changing. A part of me says, "Relax, God loves you" but another part of me says, "I know. That's why there must be more." The result of this clash is a long list of 'could-haves' and 'should-haves' and barely any 'been-there-done-thats'. I cannot say for certain if it is merely a contradiction or a lack of conviction. Both are troublesome and undesirable, but one thing is for certain, as the great theologian Yoda once said, "Do or do not. There is no try."
It's the end of the day now. I went to school to learn about God and His Word, not to mention in the original languages. I went to church to learn about God and His Word and to fellowship with brothers and sisters. But these questions still remain: What did I do today that required complete, total faith in Jesus? Have I become more like Christ today than yesterday? Am I loving God more and walking closer with Him as a result of whatever may have happened today?
In any case, I'm eating another mini-Crunch bar. Not to worry though, I'll make sure to brush my teeth tonight. Tomorrow, well, tomorrow is tomorrow. For now, I'm just learning to be faithful in the small things.
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9
So I was in the lounge at school and a girl walks over to where a bunch of guys are sitting. Then I overheard a conversation that went something like this:
Girl: Hey, your name was... Mark right?
Guy: ReMARKable, you got it right!
Girl: Hahaha!
Guy: You seem like you get good MARKS in class.
Girl: Hahah (the room grows more silent as he continues)
Guy: Well you should MARK that on your calendar.
Girl: Hahah
Guy: With a MARKer.
Girl: Haha
Guy: MARK my words.
Girl: Hah
Guy: They will put that in hallMARKS.
Girl: Ha...
Guy: Or on a bookMARK. Girl: H...
Guy: And you can buy it at the MARKet. (by this point, the room is completely, absolutely silent)
Girl: This is gonna go on for a while huh.
Guy: Ok, I'll stop now. I'll make no more reMARKS. (the most awkwardest silence ever known to mankind permeates the room, choking everyone to despair)
Girl: ooookaaaay... soooo.... yeaaaa.....
That's when I learned a very important lesson in life:
I will never name my son Mark.
