Bump

Driving candid

Brakes landed

Rear ended

Bumpers blended

Fender bended

Unintended

Driver admitted

Numbers submitted

Right handed

Card branded

School attended

Time extended

Quiz aced it

Life like lead

Fleeting like thread

Thank God

I'm not dead

Now looking

Straight ahead

Grace

amazing.

[thanks lindajames]

Lifeline

This is the kind of night where I can picture myself on a timeline called Life. Though it is quite strange that whenever I picture it I'm always in the middle, right at the midpoint of the line... hopefully, there is some kind of progression. I usually try to shake off these thoughts as soon as they appear hoping that the image would dissolve like an etch-a-sketch. I know deep down, I don't want to see my future projection because I long for something better, something greater than what I currently see. At the same time, it's also the fear that if I tarry too long on my hopes, they would prove to be false. So instead of replacing the good with the great and taking appropriate measures to fix, mend, and follow through, I secretly outline a bad projection so that way I wouldn't feel so bad if I don't end up receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. And then of course I shake all of it off because procrastination convinces me to deal with it later. "Life just happens," he would say.

But if I know where I want to be and I know what I have to do to get there, then why is it that I don't do it all the time, and even if I end up doing what is necessary and good it's not done willingly with joy every single time? What does that make me? Human, I guess, but I'm not satisfied. I'm not satisfied that what I hear from the pulpit and the Word is not what I do when I step outside the walls. Whenever I am reminded that I am a new creation I am also reminded that Christians still have a tendency to "leak out" sin as long as they are in the body and as long as they "have not been made perfect yet." However, too many times the ever-encouraging, never-discouraging emphasis on the process of sanctification feels like the ultimate plea to excuse sins as inevitable under a banner that reads "Press on!" or less biblically put, "Just do it!" I mean, wouldn't it be great if after hearing/reading, "do nothing out of selfish ambition... your attitude should be the same as that of Christ" bam! you actually do nothing out of selfish ambition from that point on? Is that too crazy, too radical?

Put another way, everyone wants an A in school. Everyone, unless... no, no exceptions. And like the rest of my peers, I wanted A's in college. I know for a fact that if I had spent at least 3-4 hours consistently every single day to study for my classes (not including homework time), I would have gotten straight A's. Arbitrary numbers aside, it's simply because I know, either through first or second hand experience, that studying leads to good grades. That makes sense and there wouldn't be anything "crazy" or out of the norm if I actually followed through and got my A's. But my actions, as my gpa unfortunately testifies, don't reflect my knowledge of what makes sense. In terms of desire and how much I want it, I may be willing with the strongest of wills, but the bite trumps the appetite.

Knowing is not enough. Knowledge is overrated. Knowledge isn't even half the battle; knowledge only lets you know you're in a battle. It's the action that follows that counts for the loss or the victory. Ironically, knowing that is still knowledge and gets you nowhere. So now what? Well usually, this is when the verses take aim and rapid fire. "You are more than a conqueror"; "who can be against you?"; "confess he is faithful and just to forgive"; "Flee from desires of youth"; "Resist the devil"; "do not conform to the world"; "keep the unity"; "fight the good fight of faith"; "walk in the light"; "run the race"; "Holy Spirit helps you in your weakness"; "faith without works is dead"; "saved by grace"; "nothing can separate you from God's love," etc. I can nod, say amen, get chills, be convicted, and be 'blessed' by all this, but none of it does any good if I don't move. In fact, I'm at a worse state than before if I know, but don't act. The more I know, the deeper the hole gets, and the more I realize how stuck I am. Eventually, there comes a time when I must come to grips with myself and admit my limit.

The truth is, there is nothing I can do to get out. There is no such thing as digging up; that would be like beating the air. Any and all progress in climbing up are marred by just one failed attempt. It's quite funny, and sad, how all my good efforts have brought me deeper into a certain kind of despair. I say certain because it's the kind that leads to hope - because hope shines the brightest and is felt the strongest in the midst of true hopelessness.

My own projections of who I am, what I will do, where I will be in history seem to slowly fade away as Jesus Christ is lifter higher and higher, far above my heart, far above my head, and far above the full length of my arms in surrender. I drop the strategies, drop the defenses; fly to the cross and drop to my knees. Yea it hurts, it's difficult and seems nearly impossible, but I must decrease and Jesus must increase. Less of me, more of Jesus. None of me, all of Jesus. There must be a reason why God calls His children to be holy as He is holy and calls us to "press on!" There must be a reason why sorrow may last for the night but joy comes in the morning. There must be a reason for this relationship in Jesus.

Life surely does happen, but it doesn't "just happen." Life has been given and I am called to be a good steward of what has been given to me. It's not mine to make, take, or break. It's not mine to procrastinate and waste away. It's not mine at all. It's all His because Christ has given me all of Him, and He is more than enough.

P-ride to P-2

It's like when the game asks me what level (speed) I want to start on. It's also like when I'm building up the tetris blocks all high and mighty and waiting for that one stick to clear it all. When it never comes, I'm left with a crumbling high rise with no elevator as I desperately try to climb down the stairs with "T"s and "L's." A sentence with no period. A clock with no hands. A table with no feet. A heart with no blood. A love with no sacrifice. "Putting your eggs in one basket" as they say. "Putting my worth in myself" as I say.

An incredible man once asked a boy on a tricycle, "Well, what are you waiting for?" Then the boy answered unnervingly, "I don't know. Something amazing, I guess."

Me too, kid. Me too. I'm waiting for amazing grace to sink deep and catch me once again. In the meantime, I'll have my daily bread.

Back to level 0.

This is a good place to start again.

Philippians 2:1-11

New Chap

Yesterday, I took noon to the new students banquet at Talbot. Three course meal. Praise. Introduction. Student body. Faculty. Word. The dean gave us encouraging words to bear the marks of Christ. Be steadfast, immovable leaders who stay the course of the Gospel. The professors shared as well. My passion is in theology that moves the heart.

Walking through the new campus felt surreal. I was actually getting light-headed trying to process this new chapter in my walk with Jesus. It was a deep, profound, spiritual experience as I saw the new buildings and the new faces. I kept thinking: "Why are there so many Asians here?" No worries though. I'll fit right in whenever I play ball on campus.

On the way to school and back, the dread of commuting turned into joy of listening to sermons... hm. actually, I'm still dreading the commute. If you got good mixes, send 'em over please.

Simply said, I am excited God is good.

More than words.

More than life.

More than enough.

As the Bee Panteth for the Honey

... or Nectar?

(What exactly did I learn in Animal Behaviors class?)

Dear Manjournal,

I taught dad how to play the saxophone. He blasted it all night long. The next morning he was playing it again, and this time he played the First Noel by ear. It was quite good. We all applauded. It's easier to teach an open heart. It's easier to learn with an open heart... (I probably shouldn't mention that he has perfect pitch). Christmas season was good this year.

"I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. It's like saying on Thursday, 'I'm gonna go to the gym on Monday.' Why not go on Friday?" - brother M

Well you would believe in New Year's Resolutions if you were in need of one, and when people comment about you "my, my, how you've changed" you can just credit your resolution. "I know."

The only question to ask tonight is, "What is my New Year's Excuse?" Then maybe I'll be ready to lift them all up in the mountains this week, and I'll let Him know that I give it up all to Him. He's the only one in the business of changing hearts. I ain't messin widat. "If it weren't for you meddling kids, you would have turned the world upside down by now."

Change like a butterfly. Drink like a bee.

Very well, let's go. Good night.

Pro Vision

"We pray that your time here will be challenging, a blessing to you, and greatly useful for God's service."

It's been a while since the family knelt down together and prayed. Thanksgiving. It was coming though because today was just filled with God's grace. The fundraiser surely 'raised the funds' and many were blessed as many more were a blessing. Then I came home and got a letter of acceptance. Nostalgia is not exactly the word, but it's the closest expression of today in my limited vocabulary. The next closest word would be urgency. And finally, peace.

A little bit like this clip that noon sent me. Although, she might be trying to imply something... that starts with "mom's favorite" and ends with "you wish."

Also, something about getting back to the Root.

joy

If He gives you a vision

He will give you provision