Today in Class

But what does it all mean? Asked Susan when they were somewhat calmer. “It means” said Aslan, “that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before time dawned, she would have read there was a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor’s stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards....”

- The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, C.S. Lewis

Counselor

The volunteer went up and took the seat in front of the professor, who was also in a seat. She let out a deep breath to calm herself down and to take her mind off the eyes of her classmates. Then she spoke. Then the professor. Then back to her. The professor again. Now she had tears welling up. The professor pointed that out. And now she had her face in her hands and she was crying in front of 20 strangers.

"I don't want to waste my life."

10 years in ministry. Feeling stuck. Wanting to pursue more. Passion for God through another medium. Afraid to leave one. Uncertain whether to do two. Anxious to jump on three. Fearful of mediocrity in all. Life to count. Life to mean something. Life to be fulfilled. God's will in her life. No voice. No answer. Darkness. Loneliness. Don't want to live by man's expectations. She did not want to dishonor God.

The class applauded, the class prayed for her, and the volunteer went back to her seat.

The professor continued with the lesson and told the class to choose a topic to share and to do the same in groups of two or three. The volunteer was my partner. I thanked her for her courage and how much it resonated with me before going back to the assignment. "On a happier note," she said, she began sharing about her recent 10 year anniversary with her husband. She went on about how her marriage was the greatest thing that has happened in her life, second only to her salvation in Christ. She told me how even after walking out on big arguments where she was determined to win, she would secretly be giggly and happy because of how much her husband was determined to do whatever it took to work things out, to simply let her know how much he loved her. She was overflowing with so much joy that I could not help but be joyful myself.

>

Then I thought, like always, the thought that keeps me up at night, keeps me up in the clouds, keeps me never satisfied with what I see, and keeps me hungry and pressing on for more: there must be more than this. (oh no, here we go again). In this case, there seemed to be a disconnect between problem and solution, revelation and confirmation. The volunteer was still left with her tears. We stopped at the rejoicing and the smiles. Is that it? How do you really minister to someone in the midst of his or her sorrows and joys? Only by the Holy Spirit speaking God's Word in their life. Only by God's very own compassion through Jesus Christ............but how, how, how?

I'm beginning to feel the gravity of ministry, the weight of God's people, the burden of sharing in the sufferings and even the joys, and with all of that, I'm realizing more and more the absolute need for His power. And I mean Power. I'm still too green and unwise. I haven't even thought through or experienced an iota of what people go through, but one thing I do know is that my God is the Great Counselor, not the great therapist.

My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.

1 Corinthians 2:4-5

1 Corinthians 2

First

First day of school. Again. The wheels are slowly turning and the cogs are barely spinning. I still have Christmas lights in my head. Then again, I'm the type who leaves the decorations up all year long. California livin' has dulled my ability to discern between seasons. I simply categorize my seasons as cold, hot, or awkward... Cowabunga!

The conference this past weekend was much needed. If anything it brought back the reality of the intimate relationship and genuine fellowship with God. In college I used to doodle in class and I would scribble things like "I <3 HS" and people would ask me, "Who is that?" heh. I was crazy. Crazy in love. The late night skate runs in the underground parking structure were always thrilling adventures. Exploring secret corridors on the top floor of the apartment were quite memorable as well. I would say many major decisions in my life were made up there as I trusted in God to determine my footsteps. I don't like the word "less," but I must admit it is different now than before. The constant 24/7 interaction with those who were hungry for and desiring God was the perfect culture for that passion and fervor to grow, multiply, and infect others. The forest was dry and the trees were thirsty.

New setting, new map. The fire is the same, but now I'm in the ocean. I've had my share of Red Seas and Jordan Rivers and it's discouraging at times, but it's also exciting at the same time. "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." It's the kind of wave that kindles the desire to ride it. Impossible? Absolutely. And that is precisely why I press on. "Not by might, nor by power, but by the Spirit of God."

The HS conference in one sentence: Be filled to be spilled.

Greek

I just got out from my Greek midterm. It was mega intense. Translating those sentences takes a heavy toll on my brainergy. There's a Greek word that's pronounced "hoti" and it means "that, because, or since." This is how I memorized it, "That one's a hoti because..." heheh. There's another word that's pronounced "apo" and it means "(away) from". So I said, "You broke my heart! 아퍼! Get away from me! haha. Another word is pronounced "ain" and it means "he/she/it was" so I memorized, "yea... she was my 애인..." ㅎㅎㅎㅎ (google actually translates that and this one too ㅋㅋㅋ).

Hm. I think I just wrote a script for a Korean drama in Greek.

I got a lot more mnemonic devices I came up with. Maybe I should write a book on how to memorize Greek vocab. It will have about 100 pages of college ruled paper and an introduction page that says: "Make your own! Be creative! =]" I would totally buy it.

Now I'm cooling down at the library and waiting for my next class. I've got my special spot and I like it. My little cubicle is hidden from all the windows because I'm a child of da....... daylight. It's also towards the middle section of the hall so that whenever I hear someone walking towards my secret bat cave I have time to close my youtube and naruto windows and open up a Word document filled with nonsense and half-finished papers. And if I really want to cover my tracks I open up a book (just off the center of the book so it won't look too perfect) and lay it in front of me. Great success!

But right now I won't be able to hear anyone coming because I have my earphones on, or I should say earphone on since I only have one ear, ya heard. I think earphones are amazingly innovative technology. It's like having sound come out of a peanut! It's crazy I tell ya. I am in awe every time I use one. I mean, nobody can hear what I hear! Secret service up in here. I was listening to Travis Cottrell to get ready to read my theo chapter on the goodness of God, but somehow I ended up bumpin some classic clazziquai. mmm. pleasant. let's be voice friends.

I'm glad I speak English, but I want to learn so many more languages. In the near future there will be these language booths and you go in like the matrix and then automatically learn the language. I call it Rosetta Stone: Reloaded. I wonder what language we will speak in heaven. Telepathy? Sing-talk (like living in a musical)? I grew up thinking that God only spoke Korean. So when I was really serious about praying I would pray in Korean. To this day, there are certain words that I can only say in Korean (as opposed to the direct English translation) that give the full impact of what I mean from the bottom of my sole and soul. "아빠"... that's it... I've forgotten all my Korean. ashamed*

I heard someone put it this way: God speaks to us in the language we know best - our circumstances. If only we would listen and get it the first time when He is speaking His very own Words through the Bible we wouldn't be so lost and so far from His will. "my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge"

I'm hungry now. I haven't had any solid food since I woke up this morning... and I thought I had graduated from college... I gotta eat healthy. Good parking : good shopping :: Good eating : good pooping? In any case, I'm off to the Talon. Curry sandwich. mmm.

Χαίρετε εν Κυρίω πάντοτε!

Middle

I am almost at the midpoint. This semester is going by quicker than the last one even though I'm on campus a lot more. From the beginning I knew that living far away was going to be a blessing for me since it forces me to study throughout the day, all day. I'm definitely counting my blessings. No, my blessings are way too numerous to count. Every single thing I do points to His provision. The 40 cent color copy I made today was God's provision. The 50 dollar gas on the way home from school was God's provision. Having a good working arm to wash my windshield was God's provision. Coming home to a hot meal from mom was God's provision. And that was only a fraction of today's events. It's a miracle that I'm going to school learning what I want to learn. It's a miracle that I am able to keep up with the workload. It's a miracle that I am filled with His joy despite my circumstances. It's a miracle that the valleys cause me to lift my eyes up to the mountains. It's a miracle even to desire to seek Him, let alone pursue and obey Him! It's a miracle that I was known before time began. It's a miracle that I live and breathe and move. It's a miracle that my Jesus knows me and loves me and has made a way for me to know Him. I'm a walking ball of miracles!... or... a miracle ball? Hm. That sounds more like a bathroom cleaning product from an infomercial or one of those "wellbeing" products from Home Shopping...

It's times like these where I can more readily lay down my own agendas and let God have His way in me like it was meant to be. Looking back at my sorry track record, that's rare. I've proclaimed, announced, and projected my lofty goals to many people and at times to groups of people and whole congregations, and every single time I think - not in doubt, but in expectation - "Really?"

Well, really, if the Lord is willing. If not, then it wasn't meant to be. Easy said, easier done.

Interestingly enough, people still genuinely ask me what I'm going to do when I grow up (more specifically, after I graduate). As a kid I used to automatically say Nascar driver. I always thought that was hilarious... I still don't know why. Nowadays, I kinda freeze up when I'm asked that question. I mean it's easy to say "missions" or "ministry" and I could easily put up a front by going into the details of what I would like to do, which usually makes it look like I got everything down and I know exactly what I'm going to do. But I don't. Actually it's more like wondering if I really mean what I say. That same "Really?" begins to see doubt.

"I don't know why John is staying with us when he could go somewhere else."

I thought I was over that hill. I thought all the gray clouds had rolled on by and my days of confusion were long gone. I thought the grueling decisions were already made. But here I am again standing at the crossroads.

In light of all the blessings and miracles I've recounted above, I would be contradicting myself if I thought God was not in control and that somehow He has left me alone to stumble through my own decisions. At the same time, the silence I hear is piercing, the darkness I see is clear, and the emptiness I feel is concrete. It may be only for a moment, but the quantity in no way diminishes the reality. The good news is that this is the equation and the framework in which God moves: in the places where my back is against the wall, in my weakness and confusion, and in my longing to seek Him for deliverance and guidance. In humility.

If I really heard from God clearly and effortlessly and I knew which paths to take without a second guess, I wonder how far I would go or how long I'll take before I become like the 1 leper (out of 10) who returned to thank Jesus. Again, my track record testifies against me. Perhaps for others it's not even a problem to hear and to obey, but as for me, I would most likely be working hard for the "godly" services and tasks laid before me with only a nod to the taskmaster who has "provided" for my career and given me a "purpose" in what I am called to do. I would be the King Saul who does royal business with no respect to the One who gave him the royalty in the first place.

It's amazing, overwhelming even, to know that God loves us for who we are in Jesus Christ, not for what we can do for Jesus Christ. In the same way, God desires His children to love Him for who He is, not for what He can do for us because in Christ, He has already done all we ever need. We may or may not have what we want, but until God takes us to a place where we are seeking His face and not His hands, we will find ourselves in the dark, so to speak, because in the end God Himself is the only light we ever need. His people can only truly be at peace and have joy in all circumstances when they love God for God's sake, not for love's sake. And as an added bonus, if I may, it makes us grateful and humble servants in the presence of the great and humble King.

All I can do now is wait in the Word.

Summer

I finished my last final on Thursday. I can honestly say that this was one of my most favorite semesters of any school ever (not including grade school because nothing is better than recess). I loved the material that I was learning. In fact, I was blessed by the lectures, the professors who taught them, and even the times I spent studying the material. During lecture, I would sometimes get those chills because I would suddenly be reminded of the truth of God's mighty powerful, magnificent, awesome, sovereign grace and mercy and love. Ok fine, I can only remember one time. It was when my reformation professor told us the story about how right before John Hus was burned at the stake in 1415 (with Wycliffe's manuscript bible used as fuel), he prophesied, "in a hundred years, God will raise up a man whose call for reform cannot be suppressed." Lo and behold, exactly 102 years later in 1517, a man with a hammer nailed the 95 thesis on a church door in Wittenburg. His name was Neo, or better known as Martin Luther.

Mm mm mm.

Learning what I wanted to learn was definitely surreal, and of course exciting. Now, that doesn't mean I was a perfect student (or on time all the time), but compared to the old general biology student, this new kid had something called [divine] motivation. It goes something like this:

The Voice: "Why. Why are you playing Mario Kart right now? You do NOT need to get 3 stars for every race."

John: "C'mon, I just need to finish 4 more in mirror cup and I'm done."

The Voice: "Don't make me say it."

John: "No. No no no."

The Voice: "You're in GOD SCHOOL!

John: "Ahhhhhhh!!!"

The Voice: "You're getting PROVIDED for this! Change the world my BUTT! What happened to picking up your cross and following DAILY?!"

John: "Ah dang it. Fiiiiine!"

The Voice: "That's more like it. Go do your Daily Scripture Interpretations..."

John: "Oh ohhh. I'm almost at the finish line!"

The Voice: "NOW!!!!"

Hm. Indeed.

But as much as I loved school, summer. And yes, that right there was a complete sentence because any sentence with "summer" is complete in my grammar book. Summer. I was summer. I'm gonna go summer. Summer breeze is. If summer, then. Why yes, summer. Summer really is something else. It's so liberating, at least when you're in school because (as d.drum.c reminded me) summer for people without school is business as usual... wow. That's unthinkable, but I know it's coming soon for me so I better sit back, relax, and cherish these moments while they la...

Welcome to New Life Children's Bible Camp!

Where your kids will have new life at a bible camp!

Welcome to the High Seas Expedition!

Where your kids will experience the deep, rolling waters of God's love.

Welcome to Summer Missions!

Welcome to Summer Retreat!

Welcome to Summer Festival!

Welcome to Summer Jobs!

Welcome to a full summer of service!

Welcome to Dongmakgol!

Welcome HOME!

... oh. right.

And so it begins...... matey!

Stay Tuned

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I thought I had already been here before, but I couldn't be sure. No, I didn't want to be sure. I only wanted to know if I had moved forward, not in circles.

"Am I there yet?"

Dark gray slabs of concrete made up the walls around me. Dark gray clouds of confusion made up the air above me. The rhythm of my untied shoelaces slowed down to a lull and the ringing in my ear finally seemed to fade away just as gradually as it had come. My deep unsettling frustration was muted by the grinding of my firmly clenched teeth. The endless hall was silent once again. I had arrived at another crossroad.

"left... or right..."

And there I was, contemplating life in a labyrinth. Then I heard a voice erupt from the podium and flood my inner stadium:

"God is invisible so that we would look for him."

Amen, professor. Amen.

Stay tuned. Commercials only last a moment.

Tick Tock

The sun is out like summer time. I got my long sleeves on but my feet are still cold. So I sit with my legs folded with my feet near the heaters - made in thigh-land. I want to be outside, but I keep dodging the beams that attack through the defenseless window. Beam no more, Scotty. You win.

Lazy Saturdays are too costly these days. Back then, it was much needed; I had all the time in the world. Nowadays, it's still needed, but I find myself catching up to all the responsibilities that were pushed aside during the week. Somebody get me a crane. Must know kung fu.

It's true. I hold priorities with butterfingers and finish them like Easter candy, slow and never. Time management is an unsolvable mystery even by the standards of Scooby and the gang. Studying is like crossing a freeway; just wait for it. Don't worry though, I'm just getting ready for my counseling session at school, which by the way I'm looking forward to. Oh, wait, what was that? You're more worried about my strangely awesome analogies? Well, here's one to worry about:

The difference between quality and quantity time is like the difference between an ant-sized piece of filet mignon and a whole plate of filet mignon. One cannot be satisfied with little no matter how big the taste is.

If I'm not spending time with God all day, I can't help but think I'm using him as a means to my end even for godly things.

Bring it on Lazy Saturday. I'll beat you up when I get around to it.

And in light of the previous entry:

Fighting Dreamer

In Field Education, my professor told us to write down our lifelong dreams/goals, then dreams within the next 5 years, and finally our goals if we had just 6 months to live - all these with no regard to practical boundaries.

The class shared together. There were a handful who spoke of marriage and family, some mentioned planting and settling at churches, and still one said he wanted another kid and to eat all he ever desired (surely, he was on the 6 month plan). It was a good exercise for me. What I had written for myself in 5 minutes was eye opening, heart gripping, and mind blowing. Are you serious? Impossible.

The professor asked the class, "If what you want to accomplish in your last 6 months is that important, why aren't you doing it now?"

Ouch.

He mentioned how most of us have an enthusiasm, passion, and initial dream when we start something new. "Then as the program moves along and we get into the motion of things this vision fades, and we easily become lost and discouraged in the journey." And so we rekindle the fire by visiting and revisiting our First Love.

Even so, one with a vision without a mission is just a dreamer. It feels like up until now I've only been filling up the melting pot with knowledge and personal experience. Seeing all the pretty ingredients is pretty exciting, but as they begin to churn and turn, my paradigms are being shattered left and right. Fool's gold melts away as pure gold remains. I awake from my daydream and realize real life is happening. A rekindled passion is one thing, but a passion with no action goes nowhere. I hate to admit it, but I am not liking what I'm seeing as I come to grips with myself. Burning away all that dross and being refined in the fire is... how do I say it... aht ddeuguh! (ow, it's hot!). And yet, His name be praised for He is infinitely more precious than any gold.

In his heart a man plans his course,

but the LORD determines his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

Dream the unseen.

Do the extreme.

God provides the way

and everything in between.

Baker

I met this guy in class. He was very encouraging. On our way to the library he asked, "How's your personal time with God been like since starting seminary." I told him how excited I was and how what I'm learning is helping understand more of Scripture and its history and inspiration. In other words, I didn't quite answer his question. Then he stopped in his track and said he wanted to tell me two things.

First, he said, "Don't be a starving baker." I nodded slowly in confusion. He went on to explain that bakers, who bake all day, can sometimes have the sensation of feeling full even when they haven't eaten anything because they're constantly around food. Likewise, many seminary students have a high tendency to feel like they've gotten more than enough of Daily Bread because they are constantly having to study the Word and read about the Word. They hear it in class, they read it for homework, and they fill their heads with biblical knowledge, but in actuality, they're starving inside. The relationship with God is on hold and the Bible becomes an academic text book. He was speaking from many years of personal experience (transferred from another seminary). The words that stood out to me from his testimony were "dry" and "empty."

That was pretty dead on, right near the center of my heart. It didn't only apply to me in and for seminary, but in my daily walk, if I may, with God. Going to church, listening to sermons, praising 'up there', serving in various ministries, being in a small group, being a pastor's kid - all "Christian-y" areas had been infected (one way or another, minutely and unnoticeably) by the yeast of superficial merit derived from a whitewashed spiritual attendance chart. The relationship is there, but just covered in foolish self-righteous muck.

I liken this to a biology student studying his text book by using it as a pillow and calling it "learning by osmosis." Then he goes to class the next day for his final and shows the professor the red lined book mark (no pun intended but I tried) on his face and boasts with all the seriousness of an offended Harry Potter fan, "As you can see, by the marks on my forehead, I know my material. Therefore I don't need to take a test to prove my mastery of this subject." Unfortunately, physical proximity is not everything.

I'm learning. I'm learning a lot. The more I learn, the less I know. The less I know, the more I want to learn. It's a funny cycle.

By the way, I forgot the second thing he said as I was passionately recalling the first thing he said. Hopefully I'll remember later. I love the people. I love my classes. School is cool again. Praise God!

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Romans 8:1-2

Eat it. Just eat it.

New Chap

Yesterday, I took noon to the new students banquet at Talbot. Three course meal. Praise. Introduction. Student body. Faculty. Word. The dean gave us encouraging words to bear the marks of Christ. Be steadfast, immovable leaders who stay the course of the Gospel. The professors shared as well. My passion is in theology that moves the heart.

Walking through the new campus felt surreal. I was actually getting light-headed trying to process this new chapter in my walk with Jesus. It was a deep, profound, spiritual experience as I saw the new buildings and the new faces. I kept thinking: "Why are there so many Asians here?" No worries though. I'll fit right in whenever I play ball on campus.

On the way to school and back, the dread of commuting turned into joy of listening to sermons... hm. actually, I'm still dreading the commute. If you got good mixes, send 'em over please.

Simply said, I am excited God is good.

More than words.

More than life.

More than enough.