Rain

Counselor

The volunteer went up and took the seat in front of the professor, who was also in a seat. She let out a deep breath to calm herself down and to take her mind off the eyes of her classmates. Then she spoke. Then the professor. Then back to her. The professor again. Now she had tears welling up. The professor pointed that out. And now she had her face in her hands and she was crying in front of 20 strangers.

"I don't want to waste my life."

10 years in ministry. Feeling stuck. Wanting to pursue more. Passion for God through another medium. Afraid to leave one. Uncertain whether to do two. Anxious to jump on three. Fearful of mediocrity in all. Life to count. Life to mean something. Life to be fulfilled. God's will in her life. No voice. No answer. Darkness. Loneliness. Don't want to live by man's expectations. She did not want to dishonor God.

The class applauded, the class prayed for her, and the volunteer went back to her seat.

The professor continued with the lesson and told the class to choose a topic to share and to do the same in groups of two or three. The volunteer was my partner. I thanked her for her courage and how much it resonated with me before going back to the assignment. "On a happier note," she said, she began sharing about her recent 10 year anniversary with her husband. She went on about how her marriage was the greatest thing that has happened in her life, second only to her salvation in Christ. She told me how even after walking out on big arguments where she was determined to win, she would secretly be giggly and happy because of how much her husband was determined to do whatever it took to work things out, to simply let her know how much he loved her. She was overflowing with so much joy that I could not help but be joyful myself.

>

Then I thought, like always, the thought that keeps me up at night, keeps me up in the clouds, keeps me never satisfied with what I see, and keeps me hungry and pressing on for more: there must be more than this. (oh no, here we go again). In this case, there seemed to be a disconnect between problem and solution, revelation and confirmation. The volunteer was still left with her tears. We stopped at the rejoicing and the smiles. Is that it? How do you really minister to someone in the midst of his or her sorrows and joys? Only by the Holy Spirit speaking God's Word in their life. Only by God's very own compassion through Jesus Christ............but how, how, how?

I'm beginning to feel the gravity of ministry, the weight of God's people, the burden of sharing in the sufferings and even the joys, and with all of that, I'm realizing more and more the absolute need for His power. And I mean Power. I'm still too green and unwise. I haven't even thought through or experienced an iota of what people go through, but one thing I do know is that my God is the Great Counselor, not the great therapist.

My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.

1 Corinthians 2:4-5

1 Corinthians 2

First

First day of school. Again. The wheels are slowly turning and the cogs are barely spinning. I still have Christmas lights in my head. Then again, I'm the type who leaves the decorations up all year long. California livin' has dulled my ability to discern between seasons. I simply categorize my seasons as cold, hot, or awkward... Cowabunga!

The conference this past weekend was much needed. If anything it brought back the reality of the intimate relationship and genuine fellowship with God. In college I used to doodle in class and I would scribble things like "I <3 HS" and people would ask me, "Who is that?" heh. I was crazy. Crazy in love. The late night skate runs in the underground parking structure were always thrilling adventures. Exploring secret corridors on the top floor of the apartment were quite memorable as well. I would say many major decisions in my life were made up there as I trusted in God to determine my footsteps. I don't like the word "less," but I must admit it is different now than before. The constant 24/7 interaction with those who were hungry for and desiring God was the perfect culture for that passion and fervor to grow, multiply, and infect others. The forest was dry and the trees were thirsty.

New setting, new map. The fire is the same, but now I'm in the ocean. I've had my share of Red Seas and Jordan Rivers and it's discouraging at times, but it's also exciting at the same time. "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." It's the kind of wave that kindles the desire to ride it. Impossible? Absolutely. And that is precisely why I press on. "Not by might, nor by power, but by the Spirit of God."

The HS conference in one sentence: Be filled to be spilled.

P-ride to P-2

It's like when the game asks me what level (speed) I want to start on. It's also like when I'm building up the tetris blocks all high and mighty and waiting for that one stick to clear it all. When it never comes, I'm left with a crumbling high rise with no elevator as I desperately try to climb down the stairs with "T"s and "L's." A sentence with no period. A clock with no hands. A table with no feet. A heart with no blood. A love with no sacrifice. "Putting your eggs in one basket" as they say. "Putting my worth in myself" as I say.

An incredible man once asked a boy on a tricycle, "Well, what are you waiting for?" Then the boy answered unnervingly, "I don't know. Something amazing, I guess."

Me too, kid. Me too. I'm waiting for amazing grace to sink deep and catch me once again. In the meantime, I'll have my daily bread.

Back to level 0.

This is a good place to start again.

Philippians 2:1-11

As the Bee Panteth for the Honey

... or Nectar?

(What exactly did I learn in Animal Behaviors class?)

Dear Manjournal,

I taught dad how to play the saxophone. He blasted it all night long. The next morning he was playing it again, and this time he played the First Noel by ear. It was quite good. We all applauded. It's easier to teach an open heart. It's easier to learn with an open heart... (I probably shouldn't mention that he has perfect pitch). Christmas season was good this year.

"I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. It's like saying on Thursday, 'I'm gonna go to the gym on Monday.' Why not go on Friday?" - brother M

Well you would believe in New Year's Resolutions if you were in need of one, and when people comment about you "my, my, how you've changed" you can just credit your resolution. "I know."

The only question to ask tonight is, "What is my New Year's Excuse?" Then maybe I'll be ready to lift them all up in the mountains this week, and I'll let Him know that I give it up all to Him. He's the only one in the business of changing hearts. I ain't messin widat. "If it weren't for you meddling kids, you would have turned the world upside down by now."

Change like a butterfly. Drink like a bee.

Very well, let's go. Good night.

Trial after Victory

hya hya!

Round 1

Last night I was sitting in on the Good News Club (GNC) teacher's training hosted by CEF. As the pastor was giving us a message, I was led to pray and praise and give thanks (in my seat, on my own). I was filled with His joy as every Word dropped like honey. Then...

"John! Why are you touching your lips like that?" whispered noon who was sitting right next to me. Before I knew it I was giving her the coldest stare in the universe of DC comics. Then I semi-rolled my eyes, took 3 scoots away from her chair, and started picking at my lips again (a bad habit I picked up from who knows where). I was angry at her for "ruining my moment" but I knew on the spot (as I was giving her the I-can't-see-you-from-the-corner-of-my-eye treatment), that it was completely my mistake. I was all worked up because of nothing she said, but because of my short comings and how I reacted to what she said. And only His Word will be the last word.

Round 2

After the GNC meeting I was driving home and once again I was giving God the praise and thanksgiving and having a revival service in my car (also for teaching me and correcting to me in round 1). I got off the freeway and I was going up the street when a bmw who was up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. I was ahead on the right lane and signaled left, but for half a block this guy was teasing me (benefit of the doubt: he was probably hesitating whether to pass me or let me enter). Every time I sped up to make my move he would match my speed, and whenever I slowed down to get behind him he would also match my speed. He finally hit the gas and sped up to pass me. Right then, I stopped praying and glared to my left to freeze him with my eyes as he passed by. It was an old lady looking ahead without a care in the world...

Again, I realized what I had done as soon as the car passed me. haaaaaaaa (that's the sound of a deep mournful sigh). My prayers quickly turned into repentance. Only His Word will be the last word.

Round 3

This morning at church, I put my keys in the ignition to start my engine. kekekekekeke* =D kekekekekeke* =O kekekekekeke* =| kekekekeke*! -_- Helga wouldn't start. It was like she was snickering at me. kekeke. "Don't get me started Helga!" Since this was right after morning prayer, I got fired up and began to cry out and intercede for Helga while gripping the steering wheel super tightly like it was Lazarus' mummified head. kekekekeke* haaaaaaa. More than anything, I was frustrated at God thinking, "Why now? Why after a wonderful time at morning prayer? C'mon now!" honk*

This happened and that happened and finally PT jump started my car and suggested I go straight home or to a body shop because it's likely that the battery is out. I chose option two and got a new battery. And PT was right. At the body shop the mechanic switched the engine on and off about 4 times and Helga was out. That's right. If God had miraculously started my car when I prayed and I stopped my car again, I could have been stranded in a worse situation. He allowed me to take out the root of the problem instead of trimming for a temporary solution. If only I could have seen that, I would have been peacefully eating the fruit of patience instead of choking on whine and cheese.

Continue? 10. 9. 8. 7...

Lesson learned, get some more coins and keep on playing praying.

Jesus' Victory > my victory

My victory had blinded me.

My pride had destroyed me.

But His humility rescued me

from every trial and temptation.

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!

1 Corinthians 10:12

Got Love?

Oh, how He LOVES us! This song is so powerful. It's so raw - like a child trying to describe God's love. Abandoned to Your praise! YEA!

And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great your affections are for me

I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way...

He loves us!

And that's how it starts.

Daddy is jealous over us so don't make Holy Spirit grieve over our sins because we'll be in a mess when we realize the King Himself has been rejected, has stepped down from His throne to run to us, and took up our cross to embrace us. This is LOVE.

But it can't end there with mere words or else we're no better than a useless clanging cymbal.

People are in need of deliverance and a deliverer. People need the Lord. We all need Jesus. So badly. We need to become more sensitive to HS's calling to intercede for and reach out to one another. Broken, empty hearts are standing next to us and walking by us. Downcast souls are masked by smiles. Burdened shoulders carry the weight of family issues. Distraught minds are entrapped by past memories. Name calling. Habitual sins. Physical abuse. Wandering eyes search for a purpose or at least a job just to get by. Life is holding on thirstily to the hope of an abundant life that quenches eternally - True life in Jesus Christ. Only a true encounter with God's perfect Love through His Word, His Son, His Spirit can resurrect and resuscitate the lost and backslidden! We commit our lives because of and through the Life God has committed for us and given to us.

If you feel like "I never got love," it's absolutely vital to have (or remember) the correct biblical view of God. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." Justice has been served through Jesus Christ. This is Truth. There is no sin that is too great for God to forgive no matter how much you think you've consciously disobeyed God. Jonah. That's what's up. And if that was not true, then Jesus' death on the cross and His resurrection means nothing. Jesus came to seek and save that which was lost. So KNOW that you fit the requirement to receive God's beautiful grace and mercy. KNOW that Jesus actually died in place of you. KNOW that God has removed your sins as far as the east is from the west. KNOW that God's love has never failed anybody, except Jesus Christ, His only son, so that you and I can experience His unfailing love. KNOW that He has promised His children to take them Home. KNOW that he leaves the 99 behind to go after the 1 lost sheep. KNOW that God is running after you, takes great delight in you, rejoices over you with singing, and quiets you with His love.

And for those who feel like "I got love," it's your duty to give that love away. If all you're doing is smiling about how good life has been, how much love you got from your parents and others and thinking "I must be a lucky one. God blessed me." then consider yourself the most selfish, wicked, vile person on earth. You're holding onto a barrel full of fresh water and rejoicing over it all the while staring right into the eyes of a withering man parched and dying of thirst. Yes, salvation belongs to God, but if that's your excuse for never getting down to pray for whom you consider 'unlovable' and in dire need, never reaching out your hand for the sick and weary, and never sharing Jesus Christ, the Living Water, then that's bad theology - and that's when I say (bad) theology is not important when all it does is sits in your head and never travels to your heart. Does your heart break for broken hearts? Are you willing to take in everything that a person is, the pretty and the ugly, or do you treat people like a buffet? Do you have the hope and assurance that the Gospel transforms and changes lives and God uses YOU to do exactly that? Is your LOVE motivated by God's Love or by whatever sympathy you can muster up in your heart for others? If you've been loved on so much and God has shown you His great love throughout your life, it's only because you are called to share and give it ALL away and become the lowest of low, just as Jesus showed us. It's ALL about living for and loving God and living for and loving others.

Because no matter how good (or bad) you have it you cannot live for yourself. We weren't made that way. It's impossible. If life was about self-improvement, reaching self-enlightenment, receiving good karma based on personal, individual deeds, and becoming a better you then NO ONE would care about peace, friendship, marriage, children, orphans, widows, the hungry, and all of social injustice and relationships because anyone apart from you would simply be a stepping stone to get where you WANT.

But in Christ and only in Him, Jesus became the stepping ROCK on which we stand to get where we NEED, not by our own merits or accomplishments, but by the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, our friend, our brother, our lover, our Savior, our God.

KNOW the love of HS embracing you so dearly. This is not just a feeling. This is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. This is Jesus Christ.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:29-32

Got Love?

God's Love.