Hope

Gravity is not a feeling, but the heaviness is always the same. The weight of doubt and the doubt of waiting for what lies ahead looms over my head like a dark cloud crowding in to clutter up the coming forecast of fading, curtailed clarity. I'm deep inside a well of opportunity as well as a steep, shadowy quicksand valley; it all depends on perspective, really. If I don't move, I know I'll keep on sinking. If I do make a move, I either come up on top or I sink deeper still. Sleep and chill or take the red pill. Follow the herd and your sheep get killed. This is what I call a quarter life crisis. You realize you don't fully know what your life is. You realize you've been living off quarters not benjamins. You realize there's been no changes and all you've been saying is, "Don't cry sis." There is definitely more than this.

If the end is clear then the means are clearer. If the means are not clear then I know my end is unclear. In other words, if I'm running a race and I clearly see the finish line before me, the way I get there will be clear. But if the finish line is hidden from view or too blurry in the distance, the path I take will be full of zigzags, uncertain choices, staying in place for too long, waiting on the wrong things and wrong people, and ultimately "pressing on" to no avail. In further words, if the hope of heaven and Christ in me, the hope of glory, is not heavily and completely impacting the way I live on earth, then I must admit and acknowledge that I have not fully grasped what it means to hope in Christ as a citizen of heaven. A "hope" of heaven that does not affect the everyday life on earth is merely a excuse to escape the realities of said life on earth. This kind of false hope gets me stuck. I get stuck doing things, even in, no, especially in a ministry setting, that portray the false "hope" - always running, but never leading; always turning, but never changing.

Hope without action is no hope at all. The kind of biblical hope that I'm looking to is not a personal wish or a whim. It is an expectation and a trust in Him. It is an "already."

Be my everything... once again.

Essence

What makes?

There's something behind the melody, behind the words, behind the actions, behind the life that pulls the strings that breathes purpose and gives meaning. On the outside, at the surface level, it looks the same, but with a keen eye and heartfelt perception, you can detect whether the spirit is dry and thirsty or wet and overflowing. You can see the strings and perhaps even the hand behind the strings. It's the same reason why one note sung by a famous Broadway singer in a sold out theater is different than the same note sung by a homeless drunkard on the empty streets. Who's got 'the soul'? Well every night is different.

When the show is over and the story has ended, there's more behind the curtains. When the lively music has finally stopped there are deadly voices behind the character played. The chatter, the laughter, the joys, the tears, the fears, the anger, the bitterness, the disappointment, the pain, the sorrow. And off the stage the drama follows. The line between acting and reacting becomes blurred.

What makes you, you? Parents, siblings, friends, race, genes, circumstances, choices? What are you? Who are you? Where are you from? Where are you headed? What are you doing? And why?

All this from a downcast face.

"Hello, I'm good." is all I hear.

And all I can say is, "You are His."