Move Me

And You move me
just when I thought that I had it all together
And You move me
just when I thought things could not get any better

I am ready come and move me once again
I am ready come and move me once again

And You move me
Closer to You closer to Your heart
I see clearer so much clearer than before
And You move me



I speak out of the overflow of my heart. My mouth does a good job at letting me know what's on my heart. These past few days have been very revealing of the limit of the measure of my love (which I don't have at all apart from Love Himself) especially when it's hard for me to love - those who I hypocritically label as the 'unlovables'. I need arms like Jesus. I need a heart like Jesus.

God is Love. God is Love. God is Love.

It's spiritual check up time again, or at least in my conscious mind because I've been giving myself brownie points for every 'good' thing and downplaying the seriousness of other sins. Following Jesus is not a balancing act. We had already fallen and we were already dead. Following Jesus is a love contract. He has put all in and He bled instead. I am free to love dangerously when I have Jesus as my foundation. The past is long gone and so I stand, not balance, on the Rock of Salvation.

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!
1 Corinthians 10:12

Let's move.

Remix #11: Remixed, to think upon Love before I speak and act.

Yakity Yak Yak

Yesterday I got food poisoning. I won't say from where because that's mean....

dang you! curse you carl's sr. and your foolish son carl's jr.

no no. it's my weak body that can't handle poison. I must train harder sensei!

And then I YAKed! like a cow. It was super nasty. But while I was undergoing reverse peristalsis I couldn't help but be amazed at how my body knew 'wats up.' Like, how does it know I ate something bad, like, so quickly. totally amazing. God is awesome. But it still hurt. Put another way, I'm bending over the toilet barfing out everything I ate while I am in wonder of the barfing process in pain. Something like...

BaaaaAAAaAaAWESOMEEEaaaaaaOWWWWWWaaarrRrraaaffFFfffCOOOLaarffFFF!

Whew. I'm still dizzy though.

-

So I was getting on the arriba bus. I said bye to my lab partner. 7 seconds later I hear something crash and I look up to see my partner dropping his backpack and running after his rebellious skateboard down mandeville hall ("hah! take that master!" said Skateboard). Then he scampered back to get his backpack as his board suddenly made a sharp right and was now zipping down to Gilman Dr. It was like watching a movie. I just stood there watching him suffer and even while I was getting on the bus, I just stared... only once I got on the bus I was thinking "omg, omg, should I run after him, should I hide, should I ignore him, should I die, omg" and regret hit me hard. The whole bus ride home I was in regret/depressed mode and realized how non-sacrificial I am. My instincts tell me a lot about myself. In my perfect world, I would have dropped everything and run after him and his skateboard and not worry/care about anyone else watching, and more than that, my well being. I wouldn't have it any other way. I know this is right. I have an example to follow. This is life. This is love.

In the end, I left him a voice message telling him to call me back from the hospital he was going to stay in. haha. i joke a lot. he laughed.

-

Happy Birthday Danny!

I wrote this poem for you, but not anymore. 22 is old. You're so old. Better find 'em quick.

Gotta go! Mom's here. Surprises don't happen only once! Praise God for that. =]

Remix #10: Remixed to be SACRIFICIAL in my love just as He is.

Carry On

Enthusiasm vs. Anointing

In the blue corner, we have Enthusiasm. He can get people pumped up and excited for anything - a prayer meeting, praise night, retreat, EVing, listening to a speaker, fasting, the next big revival. In the red corner, we have Anointing - Quiet and reserved yet dominant and powerful. He might not always look cool or ever draw a crowd, but he pierces through flesh and bones and infiltrates the critical points - heart issues, love, relationships, sacrifice, humility, life. Thing is, we're not in a boxing ring, we're on a battlefield. And whoever you side with determines whether you win or lose.

Are you living off the passion of other people, or do you have an undying, unquenchable passion that wells out of you? Or do you not have passion at all? By passion I mean the 'suffering' that leads to hope that makes way for Love. We know the true source of passion is Jesus Christ. So now what? At the end of the day, when you are on your own, what do you have left? The ministry you served at? The book of theology you explicated? The number of Christian books that you read or the number of verses you memorized? The number of people you've led to Jesus? The amount of sermons in your ipod? The times you shared your faith and struggles with brothers and sisters? Or maybe the guilt of not having done anything "Christian."

"When the music fades and all is stripped away..."

I am in no way ruling out or denying these things because I am a product of all of that and I continue to learn and grow through them. What I'm saying is if I believe that Jesus is the ultimate mediator, the Great High Priest, between me and God, why do I find myself in such deep reliance on these secondary sources of God, and rarely find the need (and the time) to spend time with God Himself - in His Word and in prayer? This is not a discussion of accountability or an undermining of community, but simply a focus on the personal relationship I have with God. This is not about new age spirituality or do-it-yourself meditation to 'get' God. This is also not a plea for single player Christianity for that would be an oxymoron. The more I count my blessings and the myriad of godly, biblical resources at my fingertips (internet/books/etc.), the more I realize that I've become complacent and calloused to what matters most. Everything is fed to me with a golden baby bottle and I never leave the stroller in the pretense of being 'protected' and 'provided.'

Let me go back to the First Love.

Every generation changes with time, but only God and His Word is everlasting. No matter how timely and timeless a book, sermon, or quote is - that's still them - what about you? What are you going to do with Jesus today?

Remix #9: Remixed to spend more all my time with Dad.

Lift up

I got a Moleskine yesterday, thanks to bbq. I am ecstatically excited.

After sister K shared about journaling every single day I took it to heart and wanted to begin. So I have.

What is written is better than what is remembered.
-yeoman-

I learn a lot, but I forget even more. Writing/journaling helps me remember and recall my thoughts from specific times - events, conversations, dreams, sermons, and especially (96% of the time) what I've learned from the Word. This is not just an exposition of the Bible, but more of a combined picture of my life at those certain stages. While this is true, the said quote actually refers to making [spiritual] footprints for others, not necessarily to follow, but to learn from and to build up. What's so great about having such a great memory if I never share my memories with anyone all the way to my grave? What if Moses kept everything to himself and never wrote anything down? What if Matthew, Mark, and all my homies thought it was enough to remember their experience with Jesus and never wrote it down? After all, at least they got the Gospel, right? Good for them, but not good for anyone else. Put another way, if my thoughts are physically laid out before me I'm not the only one with the access.

As the Word of God grips me more and more to lift up a new generation of Jesus lovers, I begin to see less of me and more of God, and by extension, more of others. From my immediate perspective, yes, I do write to remember the walk, but ultimately my mind is set on the walk of my brothers and sisters. And mind you, I'm not some selfless monk who's got the whole world in his hands - far from it. I'm a child of God who knows he is deeply loved and forgiven. It just makes more sense in light of what Jesus did for me.

When all is said and done, there should be a man so stayed on Jesus that not even the incoming tidal waves of life's circumstances can deter his heart or dampen his feet from following through on his convictions. The question then is quite simple: Is the walk of faith for the audience in the boat or is it only for Jesus?

Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.
Luke 6:26

Let the fear of man be removed from me. Let me choose what is right over what is popular. Let me only care about what Jesus would think of me. Let me set a fire in my prayer closet. Let the Word be as sweet as honey. Let me love love.

Remix #8: Remixed, to read, pray, and journal every single freakin day.

Downy

I've gone one month without a single update. This would suggest I haven't learned anything between then and now, but it's actually the opposite. I've learned so much that I don't know where to start, and already I'm beginning to forget (which was the reason for this blog). I look back on the 'remixes' that I've made and I realize how hard it is to keep up (starting with #1). Should I be accountable for these 'remixes'? It seems right to because otherwise I would just be a mouthpiece that plays no part in the symphony. Hm. Kinda feel like one right now. Keep on.

CCM Mammoth trip! Snowboarding was wonderful. Cabin time was funtastic. There were so many bumps in the road coming and going, but in the end everyone got back home safely - at least physically, maybe not spiritually. I've got my reservations. As weak as they are, I find myself holding back not because I have something to hold back but because I don't have what I should have. Progress is in slow motion. People are hungry, no, starving yet no one is eating. The only times there is nourishment are when they are force fed on rare occasions through people and circumstances just to stay barely alive.

"You've softened up from what I've heard about you."

I'm like a Downy fabric right now.

The gospel is soft in me. My unwillingness and unpreparedness to tell proves the lack of impact the gospel has made on me. It's not about sharing the gospel, but living it. Because when I live it, the words become natural.

Remix #7: Remixed to always be ready to give the reason for the Hope I have.

Focus

I went with Joe to watch the Harbor girls play an intense game of flag football. 4 OTs... wow. Great job! But this gets me thinking - football should have style points or trick points - non-touchdown points that a team racks up throughout the game based on tricks or plays and special points. It'll be like boxing where every play gets some kind of score. "Omg. She pulled TWO flags down! 4 points!" It'll also be like snowboarding (or skateboarding) where tricks are counted for points. "... and she jumps!..... ohhhh! a backside 360 to a shifty and connects with a 1080! 18 points!" By the end of the game, the scoreboard would need to be able to fit 4 digits for each team. And even then, if there is a tie, 1 player from each team would play a game of Madden on the PS2 to end it all! (gamers will become a valuable asset to sports). And then if there is still a tie, the crowd and everyone watching the game does a massive rock, paper, scissors tournament - so the home team usually wins in that case.

Somewhere in that paragraph flag football and nfl football became one and the same...

Anyway, after the game Jamie, Joe, and I was walking back to my car (silver camry) and I saw a mini dog park right in front of my car. It was a small grassy area enclosed with a low fence and the owners were mingling while their pets were playing, and in that instant I thought - pokemon. I was so mesmerized by the scene that I did not look away even as I pushed the unlock button to my car (beep beep!). I mean, it's like real live pokemon where the trainers are chatting and they get to either play or battle their pokemon. Exactly. As I opened the door and got in the car (remember I'm still in a trance watching the dogs), my eyes met one dog owner and he began to look at me curiously then very furiously, very quickly. Suddenly, something felt very wrong.

"What the ***** are you doing? Get out of my car!"

By this point, Jamie was already in the passenger seat, and Joe was just about to get into the back seat. I looked at the dashboard, then the cup holder, then the back of the car and realized nothing was familiar - just like my molecular bio midterm. I looked back at the man across the fence and he was now shooting me down with his verbal shotgun.

"Get out of my ***** car!"

I jumped out and my Please-Don't-Get-Me-Detention Mode (developed and mastered in grade school) kicked in. "I'm so sorry, I thought it was my car and the door open and i go in and key no fit nothing see me friends mistakes i am fly away i do dat rite now and car next is here mine. mine. mine. Sorry!"

"Alright! Now you can get the ***** out!"

I hurried to my car, which was the next one over, and drove away like a lamb who just escaped slaughter. Joe thought I pulled one of those "sike! that's not my car" jokes and took it too far. If that was true, I got 'em good! [slaughter - s] = laughter! hah! and we were laughing like that. but really, it was pretty darn freaky... "good times, good times"

I think the other car was a silver mercedes. Maybe I'm subconsciously high-class. At any rate, I need to stay focused (on the right things). John "camera" Yeo.

Remix #6: Remixed, to always lock the door, except when it's inconvenient.

Piece to Peace

Imagine a gang that called themselves CROODS. Their gang would consist of members from the bloods and crips who have 'seen the light'. And obviously their gang color would be purple (red + blue). The Croods would be a gang of high fiving teenagers and older people who would serve the community, feed the poor, shelter the homeless, and throw up peace signs everywhere. They would mediate fights between other gangs to allow them to settle arguments, territory, pokemon cards, and other things that gangs fight for. This will be done through chess tournaments at the local park, cranium/taboo/scrabble/jenga matches, smash bros. matches, and more. Eventually, the Croods will make a band and play music at jazz cafes and major events. Then they'll get big and travel all over the world to share the love. And the Croods will go down in history as the peacemakers of mankind. And all together they will say, "Move over Peace Corp. We the troof!" And then they will say, "Peace out."

Pause my brain for second... I need a pause button in my head that will put a pause to the pause that I have in blanketing myself in my thoughts and never thinking to put my thoughts into thoughtful actions. Unpause. bloop*

I came across the passage and I read it. Peacemaker. My mind fell in love with the word. My ears fell in love with the sound. My spirit fell in love with the peace that transcends all understanding.

As a kid, a friend of mine used to cry when her brother and sister fought. She had nothing to do with the argument, but she would be standing there pouring her tears out until her siblings finally noticed the wailing sirens. Then she would become the victim. "Shut up!" "Stop crying!" And reluctantly they would stop their bickering not because they had come to an agreement, but most likely to hold back the flood. Without knowing it, she was searching for peace in a broken frame - the right piece in a broken picture. We all have at least a glimpse of what peace should look like, but when the world's theme is 'every man for himself' the image shatters into loud voices and angry faces and idealistic thoughts with no hope for fruition. Anger, harbored hatred, deep-rooted jealousy toward friends/family/neighbors/anyone stem from wanting my desires fulfilled with no regard to others around me. I have selfish ambition in me. But what I also have is the Holy Spirit in me who urges me on to peace.

We say You are the Prince of Peace, but we do not have peace. So I wonder.

I wonder if I can truly, humbly apologize to someone, knowing full well that I am innocent, for the sake of peace. I wonder if I can make a fool out of myself in my own eyes and in front of others for the sake of peace. I wonder if I would willingly and fairly mediate between divided parties for the sake of peace. I wonder if I can lay down my pride for the sake of peace.

I am not calling for a movement of 'push-overs', but rather an endless wave of bold and courageous souls that are bent on setting the picture straight. Peacemakers aren't timid and shy. Peacemakers make you cry. Peacemakers stand firmly against the dissonant standards of their generation. Peacemakers are prayer warriors. Their time of true humility is before God, relying fully on Him to break the walls, change the hearts, and provide the Peace. Peace like a river, not peace like a pond.

Now our prayers will flow like tears.

If I don't have peace, it's not because I want conflict. It's because I'm complacent and self-satisfied - too comfortable in my own skin.

Piece like a puzzle.

Remix #5: Remixed, to strive for Peace in all circumstances.

Boast is Toast

There I was, holding up my paper. I was excited. I tilted it a little so maybe, just maybe, someone might recognize. Kung fu fighting - fast as lightning. One thing led to another and I found myself in a sticky situation. My expertise were on display, and I was being led astray. (That was very vague on purpose.) Specifically, this happened 2 days ago, but I'm just thinking of all the times when I would tilt myself just a little knowing that I would get noticed. The words, the actions, and even the thoughts haunt me the very second they are conceived. I realized for the millionth time how stupid it is to boast anything about myself - even godly things. The foolishness oozes down from head to toe like having a raw egg cracked over my head. My awareness is so slow that my body gets ahead of my head and only leaves behind a dust of regret. Like leaves seeking attention - the crispier it is the better it feels to crush. crunch! And leaves behind pieces of a shattered pride. It doesn't make sense that I, the branch, should boast in how beautiful my leaves are, and give absolutely no credit to the Root - the source of both branch and leaf.

May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.
Galatians 6:14

Remix #4: Remixed, to only boast in Jesus Christ.

Crazy Love

I remember in my senior year in high school my English class had a final presentation where each student gave a 5 minute speech on what they thought life was about. (pretty deep stuff for high school). People talked about purpose in life, career, family, seizing the day, living for something, religion/God, fulfilling dreams, future goals, and all the good stuff. When it was my turn, I cried... in front of my class... in front of my peers. I was vulnerable, not for the sake of being open, but because that was the only way to truly convey what my heart wanted to say. I couldn't hold back tears when I declared my life was about reaching out to that guy who hides by the pool at lunch. I couldn't stop my runny nose when I shared that I wanted to see that lonely girl getting picked on find true friends. I couldn't stop my whimpering when I said it breaks my heart to see broken families. I couldn't stop myself from saying that life is about living for others.

The whole ordeal was really awkward (especially afterwards). It's definitely not the norm to see a high schooler cry like a kid in front of class. But I didn't mind because it was not planned, but spontaneous. It wasn't a show, but a display of my soul.

Crazy love is loving when you know you can't. It shakes you to the core of who you are because it goes against human nature itself. In a world that promotes individuality, the mirror is man's best friend, and when he is told to shatter the reflection and step out, the feeling is foreign and unwanted. Secretly, we like being trapped in the house of mirrors, caught in the labyrinth with no start or end because it's comfortable. But when the mirrors become transparent and we are told that the carnival is over, reality hits and we don't know what to do with all the unfamiliar faces.

I know I can't, but through Jesus Christ and His love for me, I can love with an unconditional love - not asking for anything in return - loving freely. It doesn't matter if I plateau spiritually. It doesn't matter if I'm down. It doesn't matter if my pride gets crushed. It doesn't matter if I don't get very far. Because if even through that I can see somebody be lifted up and fall in love with Jesus, then that's enough for me - that's all I want to see. True joy is not about the smile on my own face, but seeing the smile on others' hearts.

J - Jesus first
O - Others second
Y - You last

This joy is crazy.

Crazy love.

Add the proper preposition. There is only One who is both with and without.

Crazy in Love.

God loves His people so much. Love overflows and washes away all fear. It is kindness that leads to repentance.

I want to be crazy in love. God. people.

People have pains, hurts, and brokenness. To alleviate the weight, we might "lift up burdens" to one another. It has some kind of affect, but then I realize it's still there. The reason why it seems to work but doesn't is because it's only an imitation of lifting up burdens to God, our heavenly father - the only one who can right a wrong - the only one who is in the business of changing hearts.

I'm standing in the middle of still waters.

It breaks my heart. I can't stand it. In fact, it hurts even when I lay down. Fetus position. Heart wrenching. Gut spilling. Body quaking. Mind bending. Soul stirring. I need to see change happening. I want to see a river flow, not a dead pond. But even the times when nothing is happening, I'll keep on trusting and I'll keep holding on because I know with God it's possible. I don't see it right now. I don't feel it right now. But I'll look at His perfect record and see that His love is unfailing.

Dive into the sea of forgotten love.

I wish my splash can stir up and awaken others to love.

Just as His 'splash' allowed me to love.

Remix #3: Remixed: to love others more than myself.

Remember the Love

I now see the irony in my previous post. I waste more time trying to start saving time. (The time of the entry was about 2 in the morning.) I love being stuck in a paradox. The freedom it gives is unwritable.

And I move on.

I got in an accident last week. 4 am. I was deciding if I should visit my parents since I was in the area (20 minutes away). "Nah, I wanna get back to sd early." BAM! Now I had no choice but to go home. I got to dad's office and he picked me up. We dropped the car off at the shop and headed home for mom's delicious breakfast. On the way, dad guessed right. "You came all the way up here and you weren't even thinking of visiting us were you? Probably debating between the two and in your hesitation you got in an accident." Once again, my 'no' motor started up but he cut right to the heart. poop. When I stop listening, God really does speak through circumstances. "But you can't say that! How do you know that the accident happened so that you would go home and visit your parents?" Well I don't. But one thing I do know is that there is no coincidence. After breakfast (my favorite meeyukgook!) mom packed some stuff, and then I headed back down (a miracle considering I had no sleep) with mom's car. I see the love. I say I know, but I never remember. I say I love my parents and I really do and I know they love me, but I've been putting that in the back of my mind and taking it for granted. Now I see the need to be involved in my parents lives as they have been with mine. I definitely needed this trip.

Passive love. A love that sits still. A love that is selfish. A love that forgets. No love.

Active love. A love that pursues. A love that is more than words. Crazy love.

Remix #2: Remixed, to remember the Love and be active in my love for others.

Lesson

Everybody say 'lesson plan!'

"lesson plan!"

Here I go. This blog will be used for lessons in life. Jonathan Edwards did something like this and he called them resolutions. He would start with, "Resolved..." and end with something he had resolved to do. For example: Resolution #5: "Resolved, never to lose one moment of time; but improve it the most profitable way I possibly can."

I would have days where I make up my mind to do this or that and even plan to write them down. But to this day I have not written down a single learned lesson. So now I begin. These might be from what I've learned before as well as what I learned from others. My desire is that I can build up and stand on higher ground instead of starting from scratch and vague memories everyday. Fair enough I say.

Now I need a catchy word like resolved. First words that come to mind are: determined, decided, chosen. Mr. Thesaurus isn't much help, but there is one word that catches my eye: break down. "I have broken down to live my life to the fullest." Hm, scratch that.

New direction. I'm letting my creative juices run in circles... circles... vinyls... scratch.... scratching.... DJ.... music.... remix.... REMIX!

That's only a small glimpse of how my thought process works. I have resolved to call my resolutions remixes! remix! Remixed: "To live my life to the fullest." Just like a remix improves (or tries to improve) a song, my version of remix will improve (or try to improve) the way I live. Bit of a stretch, but it'll spin. Remix = resolve = lesson learned

If I was a brand name, it'd go something like: yeoman - redefining definition since 1987.

Anyway, it's time to act.

Remix #1: Remixed, to hold time as precious and make every second count.

... I got more on my mind.