Motherland

Here in the motherland. Father and son. Missionary hostel room 601. Humidity: Sticky. A/C: Blessing. Late-night grocery shopping. Ice cream eating. 2% drinking. Still sticky. Olympic watching. Judo fighting. Kim Jae Bum rooting. How is it that we can root for a complete stranger simply based on a common nationality. Citizens of heaven. Great cloud of witnesses. Pass the baton. Beautiful cycle.

It's time for some Seoul searchin'.

Hope

Gravity is not a feeling, but the heaviness is always the same. The weight of doubt and the doubt of waiting for what lies ahead looms over my head like a dark cloud crowding in to clutter up the coming forecast of fading, curtailed clarity. I'm deep inside a well of opportunity as well as a steep, shadowy quicksand valley; it all depends on perspective, really. If I don't move, I know I'll keep on sinking. If I do make a move, I either come up on top or I sink deeper still. Sleep and chill or take the red pill. Follow the herd and your sheep get killed. This is what I call a quarter life crisis. You realize you don't fully know what your life is. You realize you've been living off quarters not benjamins. You realize there's been no changes and all you've been saying is, "Don't cry sis." There is definitely more than this.

If the end is clear then the means are clearer. If the means are not clear then I know my end is unclear. In other words, if I'm running a race and I clearly see the finish line before me, the way I get there will be clear. But if the finish line is hidden from view or too blurry in the distance, the path I take will be full of zigzags, uncertain choices, staying in place for too long, waiting on the wrong things and wrong people, and ultimately "pressing on" to no avail. In further words, if the hope of heaven and Christ in me, the hope of glory, is not heavily and completely impacting the way I live on earth, then I must admit and acknowledge that I have not fully grasped what it means to hope in Christ as a citizen of heaven. A "hope" of heaven that does not affect the everyday life on earth is merely a excuse to escape the realities of said life on earth. This kind of false hope gets me stuck. I get stuck doing things, even in, no, especially in a ministry setting, that portray the false "hope" - always running, but never leading; always turning, but never changing.

Hope without action is no hope at all. The kind of biblical hope that I'm looking to is not a personal wish or a whim. It is an expectation and a trust in Him. It is an "already."

Be my everything... once again.

More

It's coming back. The words that kept me running hard after Love. Before that though, I must paint the background of this marathon journey - this "journey of loving Him more."

There's a reason why the international student shed tears today when she listened to her English classmates share about the struggles, frustrations, and ultimately, the new-found joy and peace in their walk with God. All this was in a language that she was not familiar with in an environment that she is trying her best to adjust to yet she understood just enough. She understood not just in her mind, but in her soul. Something cried out, "Abba Father" within her as she listened to her siblings in Christ cry out, "Where are you, Father?" She couldn't explain why. Her only response was, "I listen... and... make me cry. Sorry."

There's the study of God, then there is God Himself. There's the study of self, then there is self itself. Amidst the meanings lost in translation, both can mean the same thing or total opposites of each other. Nevertheless, when all the discussions are in and the curtains are closed there is still that child with her heart in her hands seeking true love, seeking true rescue from all that causes drought in her soul. "Who will restore my broken heart?" This is the point of departure - the point where we find real skin and real blood. It is the point where God meets us where we are just as a father meets the child on his knees.

Echoing the cries of King David, sometimes I don't feel it. Sometimes I don't see it. But I look at His perfect track record and I see that His love is unfailing, His mercy is never ending, and His faithfulness is great. I will ask like King David, "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" and in the same breath I will say with him, "Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

This is no time to write out my own life story just to see how I'm doing and where I'm going. The scope is greater than that. And this brings me back to the words that kindled the fuel in me to run through the valley, past the Forrest, and up the mountain all to follow Love:

There must be more.

There must be more - more than me, me in the world, me in Christ, me in church, me in my family, me with friends, me as a student, me in a good school, me as a worker, me as a parent, me in six figures, me in my worries, me with a car, me with shoes on, me with cherry on top, me with do and sol, me in the middle, me as myself. There must be more than empty words and broken promises. More than cycles of lost and found. More than sorrows and joy. More than tears and smiles. More than weddings and funerals. More than life itself.

It's all about Him. This run is all about Jesus Christ and His righteousness. His tears for a world that is not familiar with Him among people who are hostile to Him are what causes the ark to rise above the flood. He doesn't understand just enough, he understands fully. He calls out every tear by its name and every smile by His name. And it's because of Him we approach "Abba" with freedom and confidence. Jesus is more than enough.

When you realize that Jesus is all you have you will soon discover that Jesus is all you need.

- Somebody Somewhere

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in you is more than enough

Sharing is Loving 2

"What would my Father in heaven say of me?" not "What would people think of me?"

We say with our mouths that God's mission is to seek and save the lost, but in our actions we keep hiding the lost from a faith that Jesus calls child-like. We go on and on about the rules and regulations of "hide n seek" when God simply says He will seek those who are lost and hidden. By the end of the foreword to the gospel message, salvation in Jesus Christ becomes merely an academic exercise that only the top scholars and instructors and scribes can share due to their knowledge and expertise and experience. Then out of a sense of duty we begin to rely on our own wisdom to lead someone to the true Wisdom of God. Versions of the word turn into diversions from the enemy to create divisions in theology that lead straight to secondaries, tertiaries, all the way down to the study of the bond between bone and marrow and its relationship to God without ever thinking of moving the muscle called "faith" that leads to the Author of the Word Himself. When it finally comes time to share the Good News, we (at least among my peers) do not feel ready enough or good enough or godly enough or experienced enough, and with all the discouragement wrapped up as a gift with yellow "caution" ribbons all over it every soul treads fearfully and cowardly as we share the news that is supposed to bring about the joy of salvation. By the end of the "presentation" the curtains close and the spectators are left without a way to present themselves before a holy God. The words spoken to them are cold and textbook-like. They leave with even more doubt or worse yet, a false sense of salvation.

"Do I care?" "Do I love?"

From God. By God. In terms of experience, the apostle Paul himself began to preach the Gospel only days after his conversion. "And immediately he proclaimed Jesus in the synagogues, saying, "He is the Son of God." I am of the opinion that sharing is not a skill we can hone and master, but rather an attitude we must choose to bear. In order to share, we must have, and what we have is the power of God for salvation. Sharing is simply extending out our arms out and giving to another. Sacrifice. When we share the free gift of salvation it's about freely giving what we have freely received. And to think/say that brother/sister so and so is not fit or ready already puts us in a seat of judgment, one that requires us to be the judge (or more accurately, the doubter) of their salvation because to share means to have what you share. And to think/say that "I" am not fit or ready requires a personal scrutiny of our relationship with God that goes beyond "I think God loves me." because believe or not, Christians are called to share the Gospel. Now that sounds radical. Too extreme. Too intense. Too hardcore. Too difficult. Too much sacrifice. Too passionate. Too much time. Too not-for-me-more-for-them. Too impossible. But God reminds us it is the Holy Spirit who lives in us who gives us the conviction, the courage, and the words to go out and become true witnesses for Christ. It's not about me. It's all about Jesus. Surely God will take care of the salvation of His children.

Great conviction. Great Compassion. Great Commission. I hold on dearly to these convictions so that next time there's not a single bit of uncertainty or guilt or man's opinion that disqualifies me for the mission of leading souls to Christ, which every child in His name is called to do. I also hold on dearly to the grace and mercy that God pours out upon me as I turn to Him with a heart of repentance, knowing that God is still faithful. I have a familiar feeling this won't be the end of it, but it's high time to put down the instruction manual and start following what it says.

I took Chris back to the pastor's wife. "He's good to go!"

I thanked her and thanked God for the second chance.

Sharing is Loving

Sharing is Loving 1

"Did he accept Jesus Christ?"

That was the first thing she said to me.

And my heart was pierced and sunk to my stomach. I stared into her eyes as she wiped a tear from her cheek. I replied in hesitation. "Possibly." I looked at my student and then back at the pastor's wife and said, "Can you please give me 5 minutes?" She nodded.

I took Chris behind the basketball court away from the chaos of children in exile and began an excursion of our own into the depth of our hearts. I had my Wordless Book ready and I shared the message of salvation. He seemed familiar with the news, as if he had seen it in a church play once, but didn't know the details. When we got to the white page I asked, "Would you like to receive Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?" he nodded quietly. When we prayed together my heart was gripped with a grace that moved my convictions, making them intense to the point of sorrowful guilt then making me sense the complete freedom from a guilty conscience.

Throughout the cef children's camp none of my students raised their hand to receive Christ at the end of the message. Assumptions were high and despite my years of experience at camp I lost sight of the importance of sharing the Gospel to every single child under my care. I truly know the Gospel was preached throughout the camp and through Pastor Daniel's messages - there was no doubt in that. There was doubt, however, in whether or not each child that God entrusted to me had an opportunity to ACCEPT Jesus Christ not just hear about Him. I felt my conscience roundhouse kicking me in the head even as I thought to myself "they're all from church so they'll probably get it someday." In light of "doing it right" I left out doing it Righteous, and that's where my true convictions lied.

In the end, I know it is up to God to grow the seed we have sown. But I also know that this isn't a license to go into battle halfheartedly then come out with an applause for every soldier for the sake of phony 'feel good encouragements' and 'keeping the peace' and 'ending on good notes.' What needs to be rooted out must be rooted out - no matter how painful and destructive and unpopular it is - before it spreads, infects, and stunts not only one person's growth but also his or her brothers and sisters in Christ. I can already imagine (and know of) a child growing up with everyone around him, including himself, assuming and learning that He is saved because he went to church or he went to camp and then later realizing he was never a child of God in the first place. "I never knew you."

Me, Myself, and Eye: A Conversation

SignifiCANT or signifiCAN?

... what? that makes no sense.

Sense? or cents? (oooh)

man, keep your coins. I want change!

Yes we CANT!

.............

Welcome to my mind.

On a semi-related note, this article is from Desiring God:

Missionary to India, William Carey, once exhorted a Baptist gathering in England by saying, “Expect great things from God; attempt great things for God.” I love that quote.

But we must heed the Bible’s warning through Simon the Magician: if we attempt great things so that others will see us as great, we are in grave spiritual peril.

...

We can all relate to Simon. We are all are tempted to pursue our own glory, even in the work of the kingdom. When we recognize that familiar craving we need to deal severely with it. We must confess it (often to others, not just God), repent, and resist. Because, if left alone, it can develop into a spiritual cancer that can blind us to real glory, and may ultimately kill us.

So, let us expect great things from God and attempt great things for God. But let us take Peter’s advice and do so “by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 4:11).

And that's how the cookie is devoured.

Don't want to lose my soul for what I believe is practical
I'm a prodigal coming back from a world that is temporal
So why gain it back and lose what's eternal
Flesh out the spirit and spirit away the carnal
By the Spirit-led revival through Jesus Immanuel