Found

Lost.

That grit your teeth, gut wrenching, growling into roaring, fist slamming into hardwood floor kind of feeling. And soon after, that stare off into space, sitting in a corner, slow, heavy, audible sighing of all the unused oxygen stored away in the secret crevices of my lung. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Wasted potential. Regret.

It's that feeling of losing. It hurts because you had the power to change the outcome. More preparation. More training. Run harder. Run faster. "If only I..."

The level of disappointment to any loss is directly proportional to the amount I have invested my heart into winning. Some would call it an idol. Others would call it fierce competition. But beyond the competition is the raw essence of motivation. What's the purpose? And will I still strive for that purpose even when there's no one around?

The real question is do I feel the same way in the harvest field? When I miss or "lose" someone as a worker do I sit back and simply remind myself that at least the harvest is plentiful? Or do I say to myself with the same intensity of regret, "If only I..." and jump right back into the field? Tossing and turning in bed. Every cell in my body crying out for a brother. Desperately interceding on behalf of a sister. Pleading for the prodigals. Crying for lost. Asking, seeking, knocking.

That tear is stored away somewhere in my eye. That prayer is tucked away somewhere in my lungs. That love is buried away somewhere in my heart. They all remember. I remember.

Lost but found.

Lost but found in him.

And all this from just one game of basketball.

Eat

It's that feeling again. Heartquake. No hearts in the eyes, but bloodshot eyes from tireless nights. No butterflies in the stomach, but growling stomachs from involuntary fasting.

I still remember my first American meal - a Bic Mac combo. My uncle eased me into this strange meal by relating each item with Korean food. The burger was the rice, the french fries were the "banchan"(side dish), and the drink was the soup. Yeah, not sure if that all adds up, but nevertheless that got me hooked on what would become many years of addiction to illegal drugs in the form of happy meals. Then I upgraded to 39 cent cheeseburgers, Wednesday McNuggets, Friday fish filets, the dollar menu, and Monopoly stickers.

There was a week in college when I was so busy that I would have to skip meals or eat way later. Lunch at 6pm. Dinner at 1am. Self-imposed jet-lag. I remember wondering why I couldn't just eat 10 meals in one sitting and have it last for the next 3 days or so. Unfortunately (or fortunately) our bodies aren't built that way. Physically, biologically, it's what it is yo.

Daily Bread. Daily grind.

"And when the hills were caving in and the enemy was upon us
He made a way in the desert and brought us to the oasis."
- Someone I. Forgot

When I get to heaven the 4th question I'm asking God is if I can get a quick taste of that rain manna. And that quail. Deep-fried.

Speak

The sun comes up

The sun goes down

He speaks loud and clear

But we don't hear a sound

One day comes

Another day goes

He whispers His love

But our hearts are closed

Good night now

Good morning later

He points to His Word

But we ask for a translator

We start with Dear God

We end with Amen

Now it's His turn

But we only pretend

That He speaks

That He sings

That He dances over us

That His grace

That His love

That His blood covers us

That He waits

That He waits

That He always waits for us

That He's waiting

That He's waiting

That He's waiting for us now

1 Samuel 3:10

Preach

Last semester I preached sermons in class. All I could concentrate on was the time ticking down in the back. Tick. Tock. Sounds the same. Feels different. Everybody sounds the same. Biblical. Outlined. Structured. Fifteen minutes. Metaphors. All check. But not quite the same.

And that same beat pumps again. There must be more.

What makes a great sermon? A powerful, impactful sermon? When God's Word is preached and people are not only convinced, but when they are cut to the heart and convicted. When the words aren't taken as useless chaff in the wind but rather seed for good soil. When it gets people out of their seats and the words translate into action.

What was last week's sermon about? And what did it cause us to say or do. Sometimes we jump to the next small group, the next resurgence article, the next Keller sermon, the next devotional, and all the way back to next Sunday's sermon again before we even have time to apply the Word in our lives. Is this the only reason why "quiet times" were made? To somehow keep us sputtering through desert until the next oasis? It's a motor cycle.

After sermons after sermons from preachers after preachers at conferences and churches, and after hearing speakers after speakers and retreats after retreats and revivals after revivals, anyone with a keen eye, great ears, smooth tongue can preach a powerful sermon. Any man or woman of great rhetoric can make people laugh and cry. Anyone can pump up a hungry crowd. Anyone can stitch together quotes and notes with various pieces of testimonies and personal anecdotes.

I am no expert, but even a kid, specifically a preacher's kid, can tell the difference. Home. Church. Life on the inside. Life on the outside. How thick is that line, that screen, that curtain, that wall? That whitewashed wall.

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”

Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend. You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.

In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

James 2:14-26

Don't believe the hype. See through the light. Don't fall for the big-eyed, arm-flailing, hand-clapping, Bible-thumping types. The volume of their voice has nothing to do with the passion in their daily choice to deny themselves truly and pick up the cross daily.

Retreat Forward

Yes, I was nervous.

I scrolled through the sermon notes on my phone. Worship. Scroll. Sing. Scroll. Pray. Scroll. Click. Off. I had come full circle. I had become that guy. That guy I looked up to in my youth with wide-eyes and fascination, hanging on to every word from his mouth - that crazy guy up there shouting about Jesus, baptizing the youth in the name of the spit, saliva, and sweat. That guy. These are the moments I can physically feel the end of my limits and the only way forward is to fall forward. The rest is trusting in God to do the rest.

I was incredibly blessed by the ministry at Inland. I saw how important the leaders' roles are in setting both a spiritual tone and gravity in the ministry. I also realized how much more work there is to be done in building up a group of wild jr. high students. There's a WHOLE WORLD out there. I am definitely inspired and excited to bring what I learned back home. I learned and received much more from them than I gave. All I can say is, "Thank you." Seriously, so blessed.

Fresh fire. Fresh breath. Fresh eyes. Fresh new chapter.

So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.
1 Corinthians 9:26-27

Take Heart Take Heed

I've been on an escalator ever since I arrived here. Or was it a conveyor belt. Things. Just. Run. I knew the honeymoon was over the moment I stepped up on the mound and the batter had no bat, the catcher had no glove, and the umpire was reading the rule book. That's when I realized I'm just another cog in the machine. Replaceable. I would be foolish to think that I am somehow indispensable to the advancement of God's kingdom. But at the same time that gives me hope and assurance that I cannot possibly mess up His story. I am simply called to be faithful to His calling.

And yet, on the ground, in the front lines there are so many commands. So much to do. So much being done, but it's hard to determine if we're moving forward or not. As the foreign missionary once said, "It's amazing how your churches in America grow and flourish without the Spirit of God." Just ask, "When is the last time I was challenged and convicted to repent AND actually changed my behavior because of it?" We are called to recognize them by their fruit, but we simply buy their fruits.

In the midst of great holiness there is a thick, heavy mist of sin. Cloudy senses. Dividing walls. Broken relationships. The consequences are real. When the soul feels its flesh and when the flesh feels its chains. This is the heaviness of the world that those not of this world will inevitably feel and experience. This is the disconnect that the kids witness when their church says forgive but their parents say divorce. This is the confusion the students must deal with when they believe God is love and their gay friends claim love. This is the unsettling middle ground when they learn the world will hate them just as it hated their Master, but called to love them just as the Master did. This is the cosmic conflict, the weight of glory bearing down on the strongholds of this world, the same world that Jesus says, "You will have trouble."

Escalator. Going down. Conveyor belt. Moving on. Things. Just. Run. The world. Your career. Your school. Your life. Without intentional thought and action, life simply goes on. Enjoy it. Carpe diem. Your life is but a drop in the ocean. You just move with the flow. Pass the laws. Let it be. Comfortable. Don't fight back. Don't stand out. It's just what it is. It's only a sip. It's only a peek. I said my prayers. When's the next retreat. Missions. Lock in. Forget about the world. Too much trouble. The way it is. Marriage. Divorce. Majority rules. Money on my mind. The way it's always been done. Church. Here's my family. Raise them up. Go on. Move on. Retire. Purpose. Passion. Never mind. Everybody else is lukewarm. Inevitable. No point. Don't engage. Let it happen. Just love.

...

Then, a frown. A faint whisper. Shaking your head. Looking up. Standing up. Closing your eyes. Inhale. Pause. Long exhale. Open. There must be more.

You see, the ones who are uneasy, uncomfortable, unsettled, and unsatisfied after hearing the listless, apathetic thought process of this world are the ones who listened to His voice until the end. For He did not merely step back and indifferently report that "in this world you will have trouble," but He reaches into our lives, breaks off the yoke of this world, tears off the veil of sin stitched over our hearts, extends His merciful hands and says, "But TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world."

Listen to the end and take heed. Life and death is decided by a punctuation mark.

It's time for me to "wake up and pay attention."

Once again.

Journey

Life is full of adventure only if you are willing to get lost once in awhile. If you have full control of a roller coaster ride then it's no fun at all because there is amusement and intrigue in the unknown. Adventure is innately spontaneous and therein lies its appeal to the average Indiana John Doe, the part-time backyard archaeologist. The Robinson Crusoes and the Peter Pans of our culture are highly idolized as those who take risks and have fun while doing so. The masses long for the kind of adventure that takes them beyond their limited scope while making sure their scope stays limited once they return. That's when they realize that a simple adventure does not satisfy. They need a journey.

Life is in fact not full, but only sparsely sprinkled with adventure while the entirety of life is a journey. Once you are back from an adventure, you remain the same. You may have pictures to prove where you've been and what you've done, souvenirs to remind you of the good times you had, but once you're back in the comforts of home, nothing has changed and it's life as you know it. On the other hand, a journey changes who you are - your character and identity. You cannot ever be the same again or go back to the old ways of life because what you've experienced on the journey has profoundly impacted your will, your thoughts, and emotions. The paradigm shift no matter how slight becomes the constant tick-tock of a life that's maturing and moving forward in the renewing of the mind. Without it, a life withers and dries and lacks the nourishment of an abundant life. Like growing without growing pains. If an adventure is an unknown roller coaster, a journey is a free fall from space - you don't know where you will land or if you will even survive. Now it may sound like I'm splitting hairs to compare an adventure and a journey, but if you had only one piece of hair, you would use Rogaine then it's quite an important hair to split. Two people can experience the same waterfall, but for one it becomes a light adventure and for another it becomes an epic journey. The main difference is not particularly where or what kind of experience one had (though it plays a significant role), but rather, it's what happens on the inside that changes an adventure into a journey. Perspective. To be more specific, perspective on the cost of the journey. Sacrifice.

A church member at Redeemer was once inspired by Tim Keller's apparent passion for the Lord of the Rings and decided to give it a try. He researched and found that The Hobbit was a prequel to the LOTR trilogy so he began with that one. The Hobbit (which, interestingly enough, has the original subtitle of "There and Back Again") is about Bilbo Baggins, who is the uncle of Frodo Baggins, the main protagonist of the LOTR trilogy. Well, after reading The Hobbit this member didn't find the book interesting, only amusing and even considered putting a halt to his LOTR excursion. Perhaps he didn't see it as epic as Keller did, but in any case he brought this up to Keller. That's when Keller explained that one has to first read the trilogy before the prequel and clarified the difference between the two.

The Hobbit is an adventure. Bilbo Baggins travels outside of his hometown and goes through many death-defying experiences, but once he's back even with the souvenirs of treasures and of course the ring, it's back to the usual life in the Shire (although he finds out he has some broken relationships due to his extended leave). However, the LOTR is a journey. Frodo travels through great lengths to destroy the ring, but once the mission is accomplished, it's not the usual happily ever after. "Frodo cannot escape the pain of his wounds, having been stabbed by the Witch-king and poisoned by Shelob." He does not remain at home but departs for the Undying Lands away from the Shire. He will never be the same again. His life will never be "normal" again. The journey has radically changed him from the inside out.

Perspective. Sacrifice. The proof of our encounter with Jesus is a radically changed life - a new creation - not the old life plus Jesus, but the life of Christ invading and permeating our lives from the inside out through a living, loving Counselor taking up residence in us. We can sit around all day and challenge our brothers and sisters, "Are you seeing from God's perspective or yours?" and "What is it costing you to follow Jesus?" But to the average Christian, it's just that, a challenge. It may become another exciting and even passionate adventure with Jesus, but after the spiritual high and the last night of retreat is over, it's right back to the old ways of life. With our lips we pray, "Lead us up the mountain" while our hearts demand, "just as long as we don't have to climb."

An adventure with Jesus might leave you satisfied with temporary treasures and a ring, but a journey with Jesus gives you an everlasting life of love and joy after the "I do." The beauty of our relationship with Jesus is when we don't even realize we are picking up the cross and following after him. It's when we are zealously captivated and enamored by His love for us. So we keep on pressing on, getting back up and keep on running not paying attention to what might happen to us. Wounds, pains, heartache, sickness, hardship, turmoil, storms, confusion, homelessness, persecution, and death means NOTHING when we realize that Jesus is EVERYTHING. And in this journey of loving Jesus more and more, we may have scars that may never heal on this side of heaven, but the moment we see Jesus face to face and see all His scars He took on for us we'll be able to say as we fall into His gentle, loving embrace, "It was all worth it."

You are so worthy Jesus. You are so worth it.

Ran Dumb In Sights

> Driving around Korea was unnerving at first but I got the hang of it pretty quickly. Basically, the blinker is only a suggestion. Like "please?... maybe?... may I lane change right now because if I miss this exit I will end up with a 10 minute detour?" Of course, the answer I get is always Heck No. This is the land of Burger King. You better have it your way and make your own path even if it means causing a 5 car combo collision in another lane cuz ain't nobody spoon feedin' you nothin.' After almost 3 hours of driving south of Seoul I was in the countryside where people were either color blind or interpreting red lights to mean 'go-whenever-you-feel-like-going.' I admit, I ran some red lights too, but that was only because everyone was doing it. gosh. What would they think of me if I followed the rules like some ignorant foreigner. And you know what they say, "When in Rome..."

> Speaking of driving, you cannot go anywhere in Korea without a navi (navigation system). You die in Korea without a navi. Like, you just die... as you pay for unknown speeding tickets from hidden cameras, which the navi magically reveals 700 meters before you can say "What's that camera doing there?" They say there are 3 women that a Korean man must listen to for his own survival: his mother, his wife, and his navi.

> Visiting my cousins' houses (not apartments) I noticed that Korea is the perfect playground to hardcore parkour. It seems like everyone's roof, which is more like an outdoor attic, is intricately connected somehow. Standing there looking across the landscape with my hands on my waist and my cape furiously blowing in the wind I was so tempted to just run and jump from building to building and shoot webs out of my hands while smashing pots full of bean paste... trust me you just have to be there.

> I have taken trash cans for granted. Here, you basically need to use google maps to find trash cans. I spent way too much time looking for trash cans than I should in a life time. I ended up emptying out a handful of trash from my pockets at the end of each day... and even then I had to search around the house for one.

> Rest stops along the freeway are mini-oases and I actually look forward to the bowl of 우동 (udon) and bag of 호두과자 (hodoo gwaja) and 아이스크림 (ah-ee-sss-ku-reem) that you can find at each rest stop. Also, I tried my hand at the crane game for 100 won (~10 cents) and I KNOW I had that angry bird doll in my grip, but the crane suddenly "slipped"  and let go while coming back up. Lamesauce.

> I thank God for whoever invented the air conditioner. The AC has been my best friend this summer. Also, my dad.

> Shopping in Korea... is the same. Shopping is shopping. Boring and tiring, but a little more... 'colorful' here than in the States. As usual, my relatives spoil me. I might have to start my own shopping haul youtube channel. It'll be called "Korea is the Fabulous!"

> I gained more than 5 kgs in Korea (sorry I can't do the math and google is too many mouse spaces away). Ever since I escaped from my mother's womb with a 6 pack I've never had a belly, but I found myself sucking in my stomach when they had me try on a suit at the Lotte department store ("Can you even button up thYES I CAN!") and also whenever someone "important" was walking by... lolwut? why? Natural instinct? Not so sure. Imagine a skinny guy slouching over and hanging down his arms with his butt sticking out and flexing and tucking in his stomach causing a constipated look on his face saying, "heyyy.... lady." 

> Last Sunday, I visited Full Gospel church in Yeoido, which is the largest church in the world with over 1,000,000 church members (2007). And wow, it was a sight to behold. I don't even... I can't even put into words the sheer amount of people gathered together to worship and this was only the 4th service out of 7. There were staff members and ushers everywhere bowing 90 degrees as we entered. ATM-like machines to give offering via credit card along with personalized envelopes for offering receipts. Cameras to broadcast live on the big screens. Buses to transport people coming from all over Seoul. English, Japanese, and Chinese lyrics to all the songs. Full orchestra and choir. And that particular day a college group from Germany and China had come to visit and so the church welcomed them. The big boss himself, Pastor Yonggi Cho spoke that day as well. It was about giving thanks in all circumstances. I was reminded once again there's a vast ocean out there, outside this bubble, a whole spiritual landscape of saints called to worship in spirit and in truth. I am merely a drop in the ocean, a vapor in the mist, a flower quickly fading, but somehow when God's Words of living water are unleashed and sent forth through His faithful messengers these drops become infinitely precious and loved in His sight. The creations heart resonates with the Creator's voice. A picture perfect symphony. Can't wait for heaven.

> I translated for a group of foreign missionaries today and I think I have the gift... the gift of making up stuff when I have no idea what to say as if I really know what I'm saying... all that with a big, confident, million dollar smile on my face. In moments like these I think it would be nice if everyone had the gift of tongues and interpretation. No translators necessary. (Curse you, wretched men of Babel Tower!) The conference held about 600-700 people, who are all pastors, Sunday school teachers, missionaries, MKs, student volunteer missionaries, board members of missions organizations, businessmen who devote their time and money, and Jesus freaks. I was incredibly challenged by the pure and holy devotion and commitment that each of them had for His kingdom. That unshakable, pioneer spirit that steps out by faith into the unknown and unreached. That untouchable will that counts death as mere child's play and life worth nothing but rubbish, only to know Christ and make Him known. Dang. I'm humbled.

> This trip feels like that blank page between chapters in a book. Overlooked but necessary. It's a distinguishing mark, a checkpoint, that refreshes the mind as it reflects on the story and sets the stage for the following act. If anything I have grown so so so super duper so much more mature through this experience...

> But I'm still Batman.

Motherland

Here in the motherland. Father and son. Missionary hostel room 601. Humidity: Sticky. A/C: Blessing. Late-night grocery shopping. Ice cream eating. 2% drinking. Still sticky. Olympic watching. Judo fighting. Kim Jae Bum rooting. How is it that we can root for a complete stranger simply based on a common nationality. Citizens of heaven. Great cloud of witnesses. Pass the baton. Beautiful cycle.

It's time for some Seoul searchin'.

Handshake

As I was walking past the VIP door on my way back to the dorms I saw him being escorted down the hall. My heart skipped two beats.  I gasped. I waited. The moment he stepped out, I split his two escorts and reached out my hand saying, "Pastor John! Thank you, I needed that message." He shook my hand, smiled, and then he was gone. I turned back towards the dorms with one piercing thought in mind: holy ambition.

Also, I didn't want to wash my hands...

Fixed

He had a bone, he gave it to a woman

He didn't need a tent for the Garden was grand

But he desired to be the one in command

because he had his eyes fixed on his own master plan

The Master counted his folly as mortal transgression

and there he became the father of the fallen, Adam.

He had a home, but he became a nomad

He pitched his tents in no man's land

But it didn't matter when the times got bad

because he had his eyes fixed on the Passover Lamb.

The Provider counted his faith as righteousness,

and there he became the father of the faithful, Abraham.

He had a throne, but he became a mere man.

He had no tent, no home, and no land

But he endured the scorn, shame, and scheme of man

because he had his eyes fixed on the joy at the Father's right hand

The Father counted his obedience as a pleasing sacrifice

and there he became the Savior, Redeemer

Author and Perfecter of our faith, Jesus Christ.

I Know Why the Songbird Sings

The songbird is caught in its own melody

black ink lures her with perfect harmony

Five lines now vertical

behind bars now vertigo

Pulse is measured and time is anonymous

One and three become synonymous

The lock's in place and the key's on G

Dots and flags become the ball and chain

You see,

Songbirds are meant to sing

of the freedom of spring

Nature abandoned on the back of her wings

awakens the Symphony

Sun rays spotlight the conductor of winds

weaving red quilts and separation from sins

The blue opens up and her expression begins

to make way for Epiphany

But when the songbird is mocked

and her song is imitated

clouds become chalk

synthetically created

Though heaven and earth will always be debated

truth and its parody can never be related

Feather the heaviness and let the voice be

Ears see the vision of joy and pain

You see,

Songbirds are meant to sing

of the freedom of spring

Nature abandoned on the back of her wings

awakens the Symphony

Sun rays spotlight the conductor of winds

weaving red quilts and separation from sins

The blue opens up and her expression begins

to make way for Epiphany

Peace of Me

They say that the longest distance in the universe is from the head to the heart. We say we know in whole but behave like we only know in part. Vague like abstract art. We are all bobbleheads living in a world of walking deads. We know so much but we never get ahead. So much to do and so little commitment.

We try to separate revelation from salvation with the injection of the poison of false hope and human determination. "How much do you want it?" Wrong question. "What's the point?" Pay no attention because by our own definition, picking up the cross and sharing in Christ's affliction means that by the sweat of our own brow we will build our heavenly mansion. It's a combination of worldly passion and selfish ambition whitewashed with a thick layer of pious conviction.

Look around and see the myriad of laws surrounding us under the guise of dealing with the flaws pertaining to us. The same ones we've built up in the name of loving Jesus. We call it the house of prayer but really it's become a house of mirrors with no way to correct our own errors. There must be a hand somewhere to wipe the dirt. Blood to wash the sin-stained shirt. And yet, we're still caught up in the activities of yesteryear except maybe this time around we add one more day of prayer and replace the pews with detachable chairs. Traditionally modern. Newly ancient. Old is not better. New is not newer. Do's and dont's like we're machines during lent. Lots of Movements but no improvement.

So it seems we hit the snooze button as much as we hit up our old "friends." It's obviously easier to stop when you reach a dead end. Then the familiar becomes comfortable, the comfortable becomes lovable, and the lovable becomes impossible to forsake and repent. And even in the moments of clarity, the cold winds of change and the premature fears of the brain convince us otherwise, to stay warm inside, to stay there and hide, to stay where you're filled with lies, least alive, passion dies, until we realize we will never arrive no matter how hard we try. It's the classic case of a seed sown among thorns. Choked up yet never fully mourned because when it comes time to choose "whom you will serve" we're rarely torn. Perhaps we've lost sight of our born-again identity; spiritual amnesia a la Jason Bourne.

When everything is not what it seems and seems to be out of order, it's not enough to simply redefine words and redraw the borders, especially when the preacher's got a chip on his shoulder. It's not enough to flex every spiritual muscle just to raise a hand in a place full of grace instead of using the same energy to give a hand to those who really need grace. It's not enough. It'll never be enough even if we're actually determined to run this race based on faith. We might as well huff and puff. Transform ourselves, built Ford tough. Fight off all crime and sin like we're Scruff McGruff. But how quickly we forget that His grace is sufficient and that He is more than enough.

And we're back in the house of mirrors. Only this time around I'm on my knees in desperate prayer. I've seen enough of me and my will. I need these shiny walls to shatter to see the blood of Christ that covers me. No more building, it's time to start breaking. It's time to be broken. There is absolutely nothing I have done to come to this point in this journey of knowing and loving Christ more. Dead men can't choose life, let alone choose to obey Christ to somehow obtain everlasting life. Any sign of life in me is Christ in me. Any sign of obedience is the Spirit in me. Any love reflects the Father who loves me. We begin by grace and so we end by grace. My disgrace covered by His grace to be exact. I used to be on fire for Jesus and ready to do His will, but grace amazing found me and led me to the Good News of Jesus Christ, how He did it already and said, "It is finished." Now I'm enjoying HIS passion and all consuming fire and HIS will is being done in me. HE is that link from the head to the heart, not my own efforts or hours of meditation. HE is that piece that completes the picture, not my own skills or hours of perfection. In other words, less of me and more of Jesus. In other words, I become nothing and Jesus becomes everything.

In other words, Jesus is my everything.

Final Stretch

I was coming out of Feinberg Hall when the ninja in me was suddenly awakened. Forget about being a grad student who had just turned in a Greek exegesis paper on the finer points of remaining in Christ found in the 15th chapter of the Gospel of John, I just had to jump the 6 foot wall and climb up the hill to my freedom, or the sidewalk. A shortcut, no doubt, but quite a dangerous and unnecessary one at that. And before I knew it I was already on the wall. I decided to use the momentum to run up the hill, ignoring the red flags in my mind warning me of what happens to mud after rain. After all, I was equipped with level 5 feather legs. I took two quick steps up the steep hill when my feet slipped under me like I was on a treadmill on max speed. I instinctively grabbed on to the ledge on my left and tried to pull myself up, but it was too late. My feet flailed under me at least 7 times in less than a second as if I had come straight out of Compton a cartoon. I might as well have yelled out "meep meep!" or something. The dramatic battle ended with me on all fours on the side of a hill underneath Calvary chapel with thick, gooey, wet mud all over my hands, sweater, and shoes. The first thing I did was to look around to see if anyone else saw my awesome ninja moves, and to prepare myself to look like I was "researching" the various mud patterns left by the recent, uh, cloudbursts... in the sky. At that point my tainted pride mattered more than my painted hands. In defeat, I jumped down the wall and swiftly made my way to the nearest restroom, and luckily, or unfortunately, no one asked about my muddy hands and the big trail of mud I left behind. I ended up spending a good 10 minutes just cleaning myself up in the restroom.

And that, my friends, is a pretty accurate picture of my finals week.

Nevertheless, I decided to reward myself for completing one of my toughest semesters ever by checking out the Lord of the Rings trilogy from the library. Just a bit of light reading for the holidays.

Too bad I have 3 more finals to go.

aiyaaaaa!

Going

Woke up today to clattering windows. Even the wind grows restless at my prolonged slumber. Maybe it's because I indulged myself last night to taste and see, or see then taste, the candies I undeservedly amassed on Monday. But then, how can you say no to mini-Crunch bars? You can't, unless you are about to go to sleep... but I did anyway. I'm a rebel like that. I eat the candies and go to sleep right away. I also eat the foods and go swimming right away. Take that, mother! But of course I would forget to cover up my wrapper trail, and I vaguely remember mom waking me up in the middle of the night and making me brush my teeth. I think the battle lasted a good 10 minutes, but in the end I ran out of bed sheets to hide under, and resistance was futile.

As I lay there on my bed, thinking of my busy day ahead, I realize my life is a running contradiction. I am constantly restless, but I get plenty of rest. I am passionate, but I am also apathetic about the same things. I have plenty, but I desire more. I never remember songs, but I am always singing. I am always learning, but I am not learned. I am always growing, but I am already a grown-up. I am never satisfied (in my circumstances), but I am satisfied (in Christ). I am full, but I am still hungry. I don't want much, but I want much more. I am in need, but I don't need anything. I am a bottomless cup that is overflowing. I am a flying fish or a swimming bird. I don't belong, but I am always belonging. I am already, but not yet.

My passion and my views remain the same, but I guess now my channels are changing. A part of me says, "Relax, God loves you" but another part of me says, "I know. That's why there must be more." The result of this clash is a long list of 'could-haves' and 'should-haves' and barely any 'been-there-done-thats'. I cannot say for certain if it is merely a contradiction or a lack of conviction. Both are troublesome and undesirable, but one thing is for certain, as the great theologian Yoda once said, "Do or do not. There is no try."

It's the end of the day now. I went to school to learn about God and His Word, not to mention in the original languages. I went to church to learn about God and His Word and to fellowship with brothers and sisters. But these questions still remain: What did I do today that required complete, total faith in Jesus? Have I become more like Christ today than yesterday? Am I loving God more and walking closer with Him as a result of whatever may have happened today?

In any case, I'm eating another mini-Crunch bar. Not to worry though, I'll make sure to brush my teeth tonight. Tomorrow, well, tomorrow is tomorrow. For now, I'm just learning to be faithful in the small things.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.
Proverbs 16:9

Not Punny

So I was in the lounge at school and a girl walks over to where a bunch of guys are sitting. Then I overheard a conversation that went something like this:

Girl: Hey, your name was... Mark right?
Guy: ReMARKable, you got it right!
Girl: Hahaha!
Guy: You seem like you get good MARKS in class.
Girl: Hahah
(the room grows more silent as he continues)
Guy: Well you should MARK that on your calendar.
Girl: Hahah
Guy: With a MARKer.
Girl: Haha
Guy: MARK my words.
Girl: Hah
Guy: They will put that in hallMARKS.
Girl: Ha...
Guy: Or on a bookMARK.
Girl: H...
Guy: And you can buy it at the MARKet.
(by this point, the room is completely, absolutely silent)
Girl: This is gonna go on for a while huh.
Guy: Ok, I'll stop now. I'll make no more reMARKS.
(the most awkwardest silence ever known to mankind permeates the room, choking everyone to despair)
Girl: ooookaaaay... soooo.... yeaaaa.....

That's when I learned a very important lesson in life:
I will never name my son Mark.

Limits

It's time
And the time is now

Bright lights
Stage fright
Ready to show the world my first flight

Fall asleep
Sow and reap
Crash and burn into the deep

Deeper still

Deeper 'til

I hit rock bottom and I've lost my will

Introspect

Self-reflect

Look beyond myself to reality check

Readjust the frame

Reclaim the Name

Look up now and I'm unashamed

Get ready

Get steady

Get to my destination already

Climbing higher 

Frequent flier

Breakthrough the limits and catch the fire

Wind breaker
Earth shaker
All the elements say it's now or never

It's time again
And the time is now

Trailer

I had a dream that I was having sushi with some good company and I said, "This must be a dream."

Then I woke up.

Level 2

I found myself at the front desk paying the bill which came out to be $3000. Yea. I'm high roller like that.

... but I couldn't pay because I only had $1000.

And IN my dream I thought to myself, "Please let this be a dream."

Then I woke up again.

Level 3

I was suddenly at an ATM machine and as I was taking money out my card got stuck and the machine broke. "No way, this has to be a dream."

Then I woke up.

"wow"

Limbo

[theme music plays in the background]

RECESSION

A film by john yeo

Robots

squeeeeeeel!

Going

I'm living life in transit, a sojourner with a stake in the ground. Next move is unknown, but the next move must be made somehow. Whether it's go or stay, it's never stay for a long time. Fleeting and temporary. Such is life. That is, life on earth. A good reminder that there is an eternity ahead of us. No, eternity has already begun. It only makes sense to invest in and sow into whatever makes an impact in eternity, the things that last forever.

This year is the year of the octopus. I got my feet stuck in too many things. Naturally, it looks quite ridiculous to serve in more than 3 different ministries plus full time school and TA. Yes, this is boasting in myself, more specifically, boasting in my lack of discernment and self control. They all began with an innocent open door of opportunity, but now I can't even concentrate fully on a single one. Ironically, in my attempt to overcome the fear of being "stuck" and making no true impact in my life, I stuck my feet in too many things and now the impact is too thin, too shallow, and too short to satisfy this hungry soul. Jack of all trades, but master of none. Or so it seems.

At the end of the day, there is only one thing that keeps me going: calling. People can play devil's advocate all they want or perhaps even genuinely doubt the call in my life, but that's like trying to convince me that the sun will not rise in the morning. If this sounds like I'm in denial, you are right, I am. I am in denial of mediocre mentality, lukewarm living, and compromised Christianity. My goal is not to be heard or seen or recognized; rather, my goal is to live. Really live. Truly live. To the full potential of what God has for me. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. I will do anything and everything to find out what this looks like in my life even if it takes a lifetime. I only live because He lives. Though I may lose sight of it at times, His calling - knowing that He wants to use someone as inadequate, incompetent, and undeserving like me - is what always brings me back to cling on to a Life with Purpose.

Simply put, when I look to the cross of Jesus Christ my King, I want to live and die by it, not merely sit and be moved by it.

Folding up my tents and folding up my legs. It's the year of the fish.