Retreat Forward

Yes, I was nervous.

I scrolled through the sermon notes on my phone. Worship. Scroll. Sing. Scroll. Pray. Scroll. Click. Off. I had come full circle. I had become that guy. That guy I looked up to in my youth with wide-eyes and fascination, hanging on to every word from his mouth - that crazy guy up there shouting about Jesus, baptizing the youth in the name of the spit, saliva, and sweat. That guy. These are the moments I can physically feel the end of my limits and the only way forward is to fall forward. The rest is trusting in God to do the rest.

I was incredibly blessed by the ministry at Inland. I saw how important the leaders' roles are in setting both a spiritual tone and gravity in the ministry. I also realized how much more work there is to be done in building up a group of wild jr. high students. There's a WHOLE WORLD out there. I am definitely inspired and excited to bring what I learned back home. I learned and received much more from them than I gave. All I can say is, "Thank you." Seriously, so blessed.

Fresh fire. Fresh breath. Fresh eyes. Fresh new chapter.

So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.
1 Corinthians 9:26-27

Take Heart Take Heed

I've been on an escalator ever since I arrived here. Or was it a conveyor belt. Things. Just. Run. I knew the honeymoon was over the moment I stepped up on the mound and the batter had no bat, the catcher had no glove, and the umpire was reading the rule book. That's when I realized I'm just another cog in the machine. Replaceable. I would be foolish to think that I am somehow indispensable to the advancement of God's kingdom. But at the same time that gives me hope and assurance that I cannot possibly mess up His story. I am simply called to be faithful to His calling.

And yet, on the ground, in the front lines there are so many commands. So much to do. So much being done, but it's hard to determine if we're moving forward or not. As the foreign missionary once said, "It's amazing how your churches in America grow and flourish without the Spirit of God." Just ask, "When is the last time I was challenged and convicted to repent AND actually changed my behavior because of it?" We are called to recognize them by their fruit, but we simply buy their fruits.

In the midst of great holiness there is a thick, heavy mist of sin. Cloudy senses. Dividing walls. Broken relationships. The consequences are real. When the soul feels its flesh and when the flesh feels its chains. This is the heaviness of the world that those not of this world will inevitably feel and experience. This is the disconnect that the kids witness when their church says forgive but their parents say divorce. This is the confusion the students must deal with when they believe God is love and their gay friends claim love. This is the unsettling middle ground when they learn the world will hate them just as it hated their Master, but called to love them just as the Master did. This is the cosmic conflict, the weight of glory bearing down on the strongholds of this world, the same world that Jesus says, "You will have trouble."

Escalator. Going down. Conveyor belt. Moving on. Things. Just. Run. The world. Your career. Your school. Your life. Without intentional thought and action, life simply goes on. Enjoy it. Carpe diem. Your life is but a drop in the ocean. You just move with the flow. Pass the laws. Let it be. Comfortable. Don't fight back. Don't stand out. It's just what it is. It's only a sip. It's only a peek. I said my prayers. When's the next retreat. Missions. Lock in. Forget about the world. Too much trouble. The way it is. Marriage. Divorce. Majority rules. Money on my mind. The way it's always been done. Church. Here's my family. Raise them up. Go on. Move on. Retire. Purpose. Passion. Never mind. Everybody else is lukewarm. Inevitable. No point. Don't engage. Let it happen. Just love.

...

Then, a frown. A faint whisper. Shaking your head. Looking up. Standing up. Closing your eyes. Inhale. Pause. Long exhale. Open. There must be more.

You see, the ones who are uneasy, uncomfortable, unsettled, and unsatisfied after hearing the listless, apathetic thought process of this world are the ones who listened to His voice until the end. For He did not merely step back and indifferently report that "in this world you will have trouble," but He reaches into our lives, breaks off the yoke of this world, tears off the veil of sin stitched over our hearts, extends His merciful hands and says, "But TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world."

Listen to the end and take heed. Life and death is decided by a punctuation mark.

It's time for me to "wake up and pay attention."

Once again.

Journey

Life is full of adventure only if you are willing to get lost once in awhile. If you have full control of a roller coaster ride then it's no fun at all because there is amusement and intrigue in the unknown. Adventure is innately spontaneous and therein lies its appeal to the average Indiana John Doe, the part-time backyard archaeologist. The Robinson Crusoes and the Peter Pans of our culture are highly idolized as those who take risks and have fun while doing so. The masses long for the kind of adventure that takes them beyond their limited scope while making sure their scope stays limited once they return. That's when they realize that a simple adventure does not satisfy. They need a journey.

Life is in fact not full, but only sparsely sprinkled with adventure while the entirety of life is a journey. Once you are back from an adventure, you remain the same. You may have pictures to prove where you've been and what you've done, souvenirs to remind you of the good times you had, but once you're back in the comforts of home, nothing has changed and it's life as you know it. On the other hand, a journey changes who you are - your character and identity. You cannot ever be the same again or go back to the old ways of life because what you've experienced on the journey has profoundly impacted your will, your thoughts, and emotions. The paradigm shift no matter how slight becomes the constant tick-tock of a life that's maturing and moving forward in the renewing of the mind. Without it, a life withers and dries and lacks the nourishment of an abundant life. Like growing without growing pains. If an adventure is an unknown roller coaster, a journey is a free fall from space - you don't know where you will land or if you will even survive. Now it may sound like I'm splitting hairs to compare an adventure and a journey, but if you had only one piece of hair, you would use Rogaine then it's quite an important hair to split. Two people can experience the same waterfall, but for one it becomes a light adventure and for another it becomes an epic journey. The main difference is not particularly where or what kind of experience one had (though it plays a significant role), but rather, it's what happens on the inside that changes an adventure into a journey. Perspective. To be more specific, perspective on the cost of the journey. Sacrifice.

A church member at Redeemer was once inspired by Tim Keller's apparent passion for the Lord of the Rings and decided to give it a try. He researched and found that The Hobbit was a prequel to the LOTR trilogy so he began with that one. The Hobbit (which, interestingly enough, has the original subtitle of "There and Back Again") is about Bilbo Baggins, who is the uncle of Frodo Baggins, the main protagonist of the LOTR trilogy. Well, after reading The Hobbit this member didn't find the book interesting, only amusing and even considered putting a halt to his LOTR excursion. Perhaps he didn't see it as epic as Keller did, but in any case he brought this up to Keller. That's when Keller explained that one has to first read the trilogy before the prequel and clarified the difference between the two.

The Hobbit is an adventure. Bilbo Baggins travels outside of his hometown and goes through many death-defying experiences, but once he's back even with the souvenirs of treasures and of course the ring, it's back to the usual life in the Shire (although he finds out he has some broken relationships due to his extended leave). However, the LOTR is a journey. Frodo travels through great lengths to destroy the ring, but once the mission is accomplished, it's not the usual happily ever after. "Frodo cannot escape the pain of his wounds, having been stabbed by the Witch-king and poisoned by Shelob." He does not remain at home but departs for the Undying Lands away from the Shire. He will never be the same again. His life will never be "normal" again. The journey has radically changed him from the inside out.

Perspective. Sacrifice. The proof of our encounter with Jesus is a radically changed life - a new creation - not the old life plus Jesus, but the life of Christ invading and permeating our lives from the inside out through a living, loving Counselor taking up residence in us. We can sit around all day and challenge our brothers and sisters, "Are you seeing from God's perspective or yours?" and "What is it costing you to follow Jesus?" But to the average Christian, it's just that, a challenge. It may become another exciting and even passionate adventure with Jesus, but after the spiritual high and the last night of retreat is over, it's right back to the old ways of life. With our lips we pray, "Lead us up the mountain" while our hearts demand, "just as long as we don't have to climb."

An adventure with Jesus might leave you satisfied with temporary treasures and a ring, but a journey with Jesus gives you an everlasting life of love and joy after the "I do." The beauty of our relationship with Jesus is when we don't even realize we are picking up the cross and following after him. It's when we are zealously captivated and enamored by His love for us. So we keep on pressing on, getting back up and keep on running not paying attention to what might happen to us. Wounds, pains, heartache, sickness, hardship, turmoil, storms, confusion, homelessness, persecution, and death means NOTHING when we realize that Jesus is EVERYTHING. And in this journey of loving Jesus more and more, we may have scars that may never heal on this side of heaven, but the moment we see Jesus face to face and see all His scars He took on for us we'll be able to say as we fall into His gentle, loving embrace, "It was all worth it."

You are so worthy Jesus. You are so worth it.

Ran Dumb In Sights

> Driving around Korea was unnerving at first but I got the hang of it pretty quickly. Basically, the blinker is only a suggestion. Like "please?... maybe?... may I lane change right now because if I miss this exit I will end up with a 10 minute detour?" Of course, the answer I get is always Heck No. This is the land of Burger King. You better have it your way and make your own path even if it means causing a 5 car combo collision in another lane cuz ain't nobody spoon feedin' you nothin.' After almost 3 hours of driving south of Seoul I was in the countryside where people were either color blind or interpreting red lights to mean 'go-whenever-you-feel-like-going.' I admit, I ran some red lights too, but that was only because everyone was doing it. gosh. What would they think of me if I followed the rules like some ignorant foreigner. And you know what they say, "When in Rome..."

> Speaking of driving, you cannot go anywhere in Korea without a navi (navigation system). You die in Korea without a navi. Like, you just die... as you pay for unknown speeding tickets from hidden cameras, which the navi magically reveals 700 meters before you can say "What's that camera doing there?" They say there are 3 women that a Korean man must listen to for his own survival: his mother, his wife, and his navi.

> Visiting my cousins' houses (not apartments) I noticed that Korea is the perfect playground to hardcore parkour. It seems like everyone's roof, which is more like an outdoor attic, is intricately connected somehow. Standing there looking across the landscape with my hands on my waist and my cape furiously blowing in the wind I was so tempted to just run and jump from building to building and shoot webs out of my hands while smashing pots full of bean paste... trust me you just have to be there.

> I have taken trash cans for granted. Here, you basically need to use google maps to find trash cans. I spent way too much time looking for trash cans than I should in a life time. I ended up emptying out a handful of trash from my pockets at the end of each day... and even then I had to search around the house for one.

> Rest stops along the freeway are mini-oases and I actually look forward to the bowl of 우동 (udon) and bag of 호두과자 (hodoo gwaja) and 아이스크림 (ah-ee-sss-ku-reem) that you can find at each rest stop. Also, I tried my hand at the crane game for 100 won (~10 cents) and I KNOW I had that angry bird doll in my grip, but the crane suddenly "slipped"  and let go while coming back up. Lamesauce.

> I thank God for whoever invented the air conditioner. The AC has been my best friend this summer. Also, my dad.

> Shopping in Korea... is the same. Shopping is shopping. Boring and tiring, but a little more... 'colorful' here than in the States. As usual, my relatives spoil me. I might have to start my own shopping haul youtube channel. It'll be called "Korea is the Fabulous!"

> I gained more than 5 kgs in Korea (sorry I can't do the math and google is too many mouse spaces away). Ever since I escaped from my mother's womb with a 6 pack I've never had a belly, but I found myself sucking in my stomach when they had me try on a suit at the Lotte department store ("Can you even button up thYES I CAN!") and also whenever someone "important" was walking by... lolwut? why? Natural instinct? Not so sure. Imagine a skinny guy slouching over and hanging down his arms with his butt sticking out and flexing and tucking in his stomach causing a constipated look on his face saying, "heyyy.... lady." 

> Last Sunday, I visited Full Gospel church in Yeoido, which is the largest church in the world with over 1,000,000 church members (2007). And wow, it was a sight to behold. I don't even... I can't even put into words the sheer amount of people gathered together to worship and this was only the 4th service out of 7. There were staff members and ushers everywhere bowing 90 degrees as we entered. ATM-like machines to give offering via credit card along with personalized envelopes for offering receipts. Cameras to broadcast live on the big screens. Buses to transport people coming from all over Seoul. English, Japanese, and Chinese lyrics to all the songs. Full orchestra and choir. And that particular day a college group from Germany and China had come to visit and so the church welcomed them. The big boss himself, Pastor Yonggi Cho spoke that day as well. It was about giving thanks in all circumstances. I was reminded once again there's a vast ocean out there, outside this bubble, a whole spiritual landscape of saints called to worship in spirit and in truth. I am merely a drop in the ocean, a vapor in the mist, a flower quickly fading, but somehow when God's Words of living water are unleashed and sent forth through His faithful messengers these drops become infinitely precious and loved in His sight. The creations heart resonates with the Creator's voice. A picture perfect symphony. Can't wait for heaven.

> I translated for a group of foreign missionaries today and I think I have the gift... the gift of making up stuff when I have no idea what to say as if I really know what I'm saying... all that with a big, confident, million dollar smile on my face. In moments like these I think it would be nice if everyone had the gift of tongues and interpretation. No translators necessary. (Curse you, wretched men of Babel Tower!) The conference held about 600-700 people, who are all pastors, Sunday school teachers, missionaries, MKs, student volunteer missionaries, board members of missions organizations, businessmen who devote their time and money, and Jesus freaks. I was incredibly challenged by the pure and holy devotion and commitment that each of them had for His kingdom. That unshakable, pioneer spirit that steps out by faith into the unknown and unreached. That untouchable will that counts death as mere child's play and life worth nothing but rubbish, only to know Christ and make Him known. Dang. I'm humbled.

> This trip feels like that blank page between chapters in a book. Overlooked but necessary. It's a distinguishing mark, a checkpoint, that refreshes the mind as it reflects on the story and sets the stage for the following act. If anything I have grown so so so super duper so much more mature through this experience...

> But I'm still Batman.

Motherland

Here in the motherland. Father and son. Missionary hostel room 601. Humidity: Sticky. A/C: Blessing. Late-night grocery shopping. Ice cream eating. 2% drinking. Still sticky. Olympic watching. Judo fighting. Kim Jae Bum rooting. How is it that we can root for a complete stranger simply based on a common nationality. Citizens of heaven. Great cloud of witnesses. Pass the baton. Beautiful cycle.

It's time for some Seoul searchin'.

Handshake

As I was walking past the VIP door on my way back to the dorms I saw him being escorted down the hall. My heart skipped two beats.  I gasped. I waited. The moment he stepped out, I split his two escorts and reached out my hand saying, "Pastor John! Thank you, I needed that message." He shook my hand, smiled, and then he was gone. I turned back towards the dorms with one piercing thought in mind: holy ambition.

Also, I didn't want to wash my hands...

Fixed

He had a bone, he gave it to a woman

He didn't need a tent for the Garden was grand

But he desired to be the one in command

because he had his eyes fixed on his own master plan

The Master counted his folly as mortal transgression

and there he became the father of the fallen, Adam.

He had a home, but he became a nomad

He pitched his tents in no man's land

But it didn't matter when the times got bad

because he had his eyes fixed on the Passover Lamb.

The Provider counted his faith as righteousness,

and there he became the father of the faithful, Abraham.

He had a throne, but he became a mere man.

He had no tent, no home, and no land

But he endured the scorn, shame, and scheme of man

because he had his eyes fixed on the joy at the Father's right hand

The Father counted his obedience as a pleasing sacrifice

and there he became the Savior, Redeemer

Author and Perfecter of our faith, Jesus Christ.